Author: Rodney Dangerfield Page 12

Last night he went on the paper four times… three of those times I was reading it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

My wife kisses the dog on the lips, yet she won’t drink from my glass.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Marriage Wives

Allison Capuletti: [as Monty is walking her down the aisle during her wedding ceremony] He’s everything I ever wanted.

Monty: You don’t ask for much do you?

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

Thornton Melon: What’s your favorite subject?

Bubbles: Poetry.

Melon: Really? Well, maybe you can help me straighten out my Longfellow.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
TV/Movie Quotes

I met the surgeon general and he offered me a cigarette.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Health

One year they asked me to be poster boy – for birth control.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance People Self Situations

I once dated a girl that was wild. I took her to a bar. She gave the mechanical bull her phone number.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dating Relationships

I saved a girl from being attacked last night… I controlled myself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Conflict Crime

My girlfriend was so fat her clothes were made by Omar the tent maker.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat Girlfriends

My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second opinion; he said okay, you’re ugly too.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Ugly

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

My wife has to be the worst cook; her specialty is indigestion.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink Health Wives

I told my kids, “Someday, you’ll have kids of your own.” One of them said, “So will you.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family People Self

I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Fat

My dog’s favorite bone is in my arm!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs

Boy what a hotel that was, why they stole my towel!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places

I come from a stupid family… during the Civil War my great uncle fought for the west!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Intelligence Relationships Stupidity

My cousin is gay, he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Places Sex

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

I went to the doctor and said, “Doc, every morning when I wake up and look in the mirror, I throw up. What’s wrong?” The doctor said, “I don’t know, but your eyesight is perfect.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Self Ugly

One night I figured – let my wife make the first move… she went to Florida.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Situations Wives