Author: Steven Wright Page 11

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

Last night I fell asleep in a satellite dish… my dreams were broadcast all over the world.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Situations Sleep World

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I was arrested for lip-syncing karaoke.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities

I had to stop driving my car for a while… the tires got dizzy.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Characteristics Things

If a mime is arrested, do they tell him he has a right to talk?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and almost went back in time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Past Things Time

I used to own an ant farm but had to give it up… I couldn't find tractors small enough to fit it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Things

Four years ago… no, it was yesterday.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I'm part of the Jehovah's Witness Protection Program; I have to go door-to-door and tell everybody I'm somebody else.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices; you go by there and you see the guy throwing up little triangles.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink

Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Dogs

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out; when she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Reading/Writing