Author: Steven Wright Page 11

My VCR flashes 01:35, 01:35, 01:35, …

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Things

I once locked my keys out of my car… I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Situations Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things

I spilled spot remover on my dog… he’s gone now.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Accidents Animals Dogs Problems

If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Reading/Writing

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

I went to the museum where they had all the heads and arms from the statues
that are in all the other museums.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I wrote a song, but I don’t know how to read music, so I don’t know what it is.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Entertainment Music

I used to work at a health food store; I got fired for drinking straight Bosco on the job.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Food/Drink Health

Death to all fanatics!

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Beliefs People

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I wish the first word I ever said was the word “quote,” so right before I die I could say “unquote.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Miscellaneous

I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet, so I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I was driving on the freeway and I saw a hitchhiker holding a sign that said ’heaven,’ so I hit him; he seemed like a nice guy, so he probably made it.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

In Vegas, I got into a long argument with the man at the roulette wheel over what I considered to be an odd number.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Places Science/Weather

I have a paper cut from writing my suicide note… it’s a start…

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Death

The other day I… no wait, that wasn't me.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I'm addicted to placebos; I'd give them up, but it wouldn't make any difference.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Health Situations