Author: Steven Wright Page 13

I have two rare photographs… one is Houdini locking his keys in his car; the other is Norman Rockwell beating up a child.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

For my birthday I got a humidifier and a dehumidifier… I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict Fights Things

How can there be self-help groups?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

He asked me if I knew what time it was… I said, “Yes, but not right now.”

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

Is it weird in here, or is it just me?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Characteristics Situations

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Success

If I ever had twins, I’d use one for parts.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Health

Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn shop?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Wordplay

I just bought a microwave fireplace… you can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things Time

If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money

Should you trust a stockbroker who’s married to a travel agent?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Occupations Work

Whenever I think about the past, it just brings back so many memories.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Time

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Emotions Fear

I put mirrors around all the light bulbs; now the electric company sends me a check each month.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money Situations

I like the Stones; I can’t believe they’re still doing it afer all the years… Fred & Barney.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People

I used to be a bartender at the Betty Ford Clinic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

I was once arrested for resisting arrest.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Conflict

Last week I bought a new phone; I took it out of the box, hooked it up to the wall… pressed redial… the phone had a nervous breakdown.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Things

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
 then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Places Things