Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

Never give a sucker an even break.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As J. Effingham Bellweather in “The Golf Specialist”

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Hangovers

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee”

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Food/Drink Time Cook Tender Tough

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Situations Arguments

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Miscellaneous Promises

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Women

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Smoking

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Young

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

Never give a sucker an even break.

Egbert: Was I in here last night and did I spend a twenty-dollar bill?
Bartender: Yeah.
Egbert: Oh boy, what a load that is off my mind. I thought I’d lost it.

I’ve never struck a woman in my life, not even my own mother.

The two-headed boy in the circus never had such a headache.

Barfly: Squawk Mulligan tells me you buried your wife several years ago.
Cuthbert J. Twillie: Ah, yes. I had to. She died.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

I don’t have to attend every argument I’m invited to.

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

Cross my heart and hope to eat my weight in goslings.

[Asked if he believed in clubs for women, Fields responded] Yes, if every other form of persuasion fails.

I never smoked a cigarette until I was nine.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.