Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Cuthbert J. Twillie in “My Little Chickadee” Cards Gambling

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Insults About a detested doctor

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Fat TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Laziness Pancakes

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Family Relationships Beards

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Reputation Water

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family Money Taxes

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Individuals Women Thanks

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Food/Drink Health Babies Illness Milk

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Last words Carlotta" was Carlotta Monti an actress and Fields' mistress

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” In a luncheonette

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Science/Weather

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 3

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

He is a servant of humanity… who had done really brilliant work in isolating fees.

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

The laziest man I ever met put popcorn in his pancakes so they would turn over by themselves.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Say anything that you like about me except that I drink water.

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

[Charles Dickens] was the bravest man who ever lived; he fathered ten children before they became tax deductions.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

It ain't a fit night out for man or beast.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.