Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Eustace McGargle in “Poppy”

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Individuals Women Thanks

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus”

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Food/Drink Time Cook Tender Tough

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!” To his assistant

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” Hangover

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Conflict Crime People Bankers Thieves

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Family Fathers

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Children Family

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Buttermilk

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Animals Snake

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

England Insults Places Speech

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Beliefs Religion Church

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Gin

Quotes and One Liners

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 2

Peggy: Won’t you join me in a glass of wine?
Professor Quail: You get in first, and if there’s room enough I’ll join you.

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

I like children… if they’re properly cooked.

Madam, there's no such thing as a tough child – if you parboil them first for seven hours, they always come out tender.

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

The Great Man: [Suffering from a hangover] Somebody put too many olives in my martini last night!
Stewardess: Should I get you a Bromo?
The Great Man: No, I couldn’t stand the noise!

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

Some of my best friends are thieves; why, just last week we had the president of the bank over for dinner.

My father… one of the great immorals, er, immortals, of our time.

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

Grace Fielding: Oh, I’m so sorry, Mr. Bellows. I didn’t recognize you in this bad light.
S.B. Bellows: Ah, everybody seems to see me in a bad light.

Of course, now I touch nothing stronger than buttermilk: 90-proof buttermilk.

I always keep a supply of stimulant handy in case I see a snake – which I also keep handy.

All Englishmen talk as if they’ve got a bushel of plums stuck in their throats, and then after swallowing them get constipated from the pips.

I think of the church often; not because religion was closing in on me, but because for a long time my ass was sore from that hard, unupholstered pew.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.