Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 8

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Drunkenness Sympathy

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink After someone substituted pineapple juice for the contents of the flask Fields carried which he always claimed contained pineapple juice

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Communication Speech Action Agents Fired

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Gin

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man” To ventriloquist dummy Charlie McCarthy

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Blood

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Appearance Family Relationships Beards

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage People Women

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places Time Philadelphia Sunday Year

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 8

Do you travel as one person or do you get a party rate of ten?

Man: I have no sympathy for a man who is intoxicated all the time.
Fields: A man who's intoxicated all the time doesn't need sympathy.

Somebody's been putting pineapple juice in my pineapple juice!

It's what you do that counts and not what you say; therefore I fired my press agent.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

You must come down with me – after the show – to the lumberyard… and ride piggyback on the buzzsaw.

I once donated a pint of my finest red corpuscles to the great American Red Cross and the doctor opined my blood was very helpful; contained so much alcohol they could use it to sterilize their instruments.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

All the men in my family were bearded, and most of the women.

Marry an outdoors woman; then if you throw her out into the yard for the night, she can still survive.

I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.