Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Conflict Food/Drink Killing

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Dating Girlfriends People Relationships

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Characteristics Eating Food/Drink Breakfast Gin

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick”

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations Butlers MIdgets

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Individuals Women Thanks

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Places TV/Movie Quotes As Egbert Sousè in “The Bank Dick” Philadelphia With a noose around his neck he makes his last request to the lynching party

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Health Hollywood Places Delirium tremens

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sheriff John Hoxley in “Six of a Kind” Busy

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As The Great Man in “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break”

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places California Freeze State

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Young

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Characteristics Time Day Smiling

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Situations Undertakers

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People TV/Movie Quotes Women As Commodore Jackson in “Mississippi”

[Peggy finds a litter of assorted kittens on her seat] Peggy: I wonder what their parents were.
Professor Quail: Careless, my little dove cake, careless.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Quail in “International House”

Fields reloading!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink (Fields' retort from his dressing room after a director had shouted "Camera reloading!")

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Poker

I drink therefore I am.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink Wordplay

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Author: W.C. Fields Page 6

If I had enough money to pay your back salary, I’d fire you.

Sleep… the most beautiful experience in life – except drink.

Thou shalt not kill anything less than a fifth.

I change girlfriends every seven years, a habit I picked up from broken mirrors.

I never drink anything stronger than gin before breakfast.

During one of my treks through Afghanistan, we lost our corkscrew. We were compelled to live on food and water for several days.

Ah, the patter of little feet around the house… there's nothing like having a midget for a butler.

'Twas a woman who drove me to drink, and I never had the courtesy to thank her for it.

I'd like to see Paris before I die… Philadelphia will do.

It's hard to tell where Hollywood ends and the D.T.'s begin.

[Sarcastically] I’m about as busy as a pickpocket in a nudist colony.

[to waitress]: I didn’t squawk about the steak, dear. I merely said I didn’ t see that old horse that used to be tethered outside here.

California is the only state in the union where you can fall asleep under a rose bush in full bloom and freeze to death.

I never drank anything stronger than beer before I was twelve.

Start every day off with a smile and get it over with.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

[Peggy finds a litter of assorted kittens on her seat] Peggy: I wonder what their parents were.
Professor Quail: Careless, my little dove cake, careless.

Fields reloading!

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

I drink therefore I am.