Author W.C. Fields | Just-One-Liners.com

Author: W.C. Fields Page 7

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Situations

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Relationships Women Millionaires

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Sex

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Occupations TV/Movie Quotes As Larsen E. Whipsnade in “You Can’t Cheat an Honest Man”

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Food/Drink

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes From “Never Give a Sucker an Even Break” In a luncheonette

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health TV/Movie Quotes As Professor Eustace McGargle in “Poppy”

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As S.B. Bellows in “The Big Broadcast of 1938”

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Characteristics Games Chance Fairness

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Last words Carlotta" was Carlotta Monti an actress and Fields' mistress

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Sam Bisbee in “You’re Telling Me!”

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Doctors Health Situations Undertakers

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Marriage Tying the knot

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

America Places Closed Philadelphia

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

TV/Movie Quotes As Augustus Winterbottom in “Tillie and Gus” Poker

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

People Wives Neighbors

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Age Health Heart Worry

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Alcohol Beliefs Food/Drink Individuals

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Situations Gambling

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.

W.C. Fields

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Activities Death Dead fish Swim

Quotes and One Liners

humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more

Categories

Additional Categories

Oops...

Some Popular Authors

Author: W.C. Fields Page 7

Someone asked, “Mr. Fields, I read in the paper where you consumed two quarts of liquor a day. What would your father think about that?

Fields’ reply: He'd think I was a sissy.

Never cry over spilt milk, because it may have been poisoned.

If an unmarried woman loses her equilibrium, she should try to fall on a millionaire.

Sex isn't necessary; you don't die without it – but you can die having it.

Never trust a ventriloquist or a barber.

It's quite true I'm not drinking anymore; however, I'm not drinking any less either.

I don’t know why I ever come in here. Flies get the best of everything!

Oh, they’ve broken my sacroiliac! Run to the nearest golf course and get a doctor!

First reporter: Say, do you know anything about electricity?
S.B. Bellows: My father occupied the chair of applied electricity at State Prison.

Sucker: Is this a game of chance?
Fields: Not the way I play it, no.

Goddamn the whole fucking world and everyone in it except you, Carlotta!

It’s a funny ol’ world… man’s lucky if he gets out of it alive.

When doctors and undertakers meet, they wink at each other.

I believe in tying the marriage knot, as long as it’s around the woman’s neck.

Last week, I went to Philadelphia, but it was closed.

Poker? Is that the game where one receives five cards, and if there’s two alike that’s pretty good, but if there’s three alike that’s much better?

Thou shalt not covet they neighbor's wife unless she's a beauty.

Don't worry about your heart, it will last you as long as you live.

A man's got to believe in something… and I believe I'll have another drink.

I could be stranded in any town in the United States with ten cents and within an hour make $20 with the shell game.

Remember, a dead fish can float downstream, but it takes a live one to swim upstream.