Keyword: Babies

Babies are the only people I actually trust as far as I can throw them.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
People

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Children Family

Men will now get up and walk with the baby in the middle of the night, change its diapers, and give it a bottle, but in their heart of hearts they still think they shouldn’t have to.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Children Family Men People

If I had a baby, I would have to name it so I’d buy a baby naming book… or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Children Family

I always wondered why babies spend so much time sucking their thumbs; then I tasted baby food.

(1927 – ) magician & comedy writer
Food/Drink

My friend has a baby; I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Speech

Baby: A loud noise at one end and no sense of responsibility at the other.

(1888 – 1957) English priest & theologian
Children Family

When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him what he meant.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Communication Family

My illness is due to my doctor's insistence that I drink milk, a whitish fluid they force down helpless babies.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Food/Drink Health

Even before the kids are born, you’ve got to make these decisions; if it’s a boy, do we get him circumcised?… if it’s a girl, do we keep her?

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family Situations

Families with babies and families without babies are sorry for each other.

(1853 – 1937) journalist, writer & editor
Children Family

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Any man who hates dogs and babies can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist
Animals Dogs Men People

Taking care of a newborn baby means devoting yourself, body and soul, 24 hours a day, seven days a week, to the welfare of someone whose major response, in the way of positive reinforcement, is to throw up on you.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

Most people make babies out to be very complicated, but the truth is they have only three moods:
1.Just about to cry 2. Crying 3. Just finished crying.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Children Family

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children Family

The baby is fine; the only problem is that he looks like Edward G. Robinson.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Appearance Insults Relationships Ugly

When those directions on the side of the Pampers box say, ‘holds 6-12 pounds’ they’re not kidding!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Family