Subject: Family » Children

I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.

(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer

There’s not a man in America who at one time or another hasn’t had a secret desire to boot a child in the ass.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

I like my cigar, but I take it out of my mouth once in a while.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Oh, what a tangled web do parents weave when they think that their children are naive.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

The thing that impresses me the most about America is the way parents obey their children.

(1894 – 1972) King of the United Kingdom

Smack your child every day; if you don’t know why – he does.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist

A boy becomes a man when he stops asking his father for an allowance and requests a loan.

Learning to dislike children at an early age saves a lot of expense and aggravation later in life.

(1930 – ) American author and billiard player, teacher & commentator

When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow; we called her Melony.

(1964 – ) English comedian

The fundamental defect of fathers is that they want their children to be a credit to them.

(1872 – 1970) British philosopher, mathematician, historian & social critic

Teacher: A disillusioned woman who used to think she liked children.

Having a child is surely the most beautifully irrational act that two people in love can commit.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

The quickest way for a parent to get a child’s attention is to sit down and look comfortable.

American free-lance writer

First, Lord: No tattoos. May neither Chinese symbol for truth nor Winnie-the-Pooh holding the FSU logo stain her tender haunches.

(1970 – ) American actress, comedian, writer & producer

Fatherhood is great because you can ruin someone from scratch.

(1962 – ) American political satirist, writer, television host & comedian

Children should neither be seen nor heard from… ever again.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

Kids are wonderful… I like mine barbecued.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
The Animal Rescue Site