Subject: Family » Children

Let the kids pay it – they still owe us rent and gas money.

(1927 – 1997) Am. comedian & satirist notable for mock presidential campaign

Children always take the line of most persistence.


The advantage of having only one child is that you always know who did it.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist

It’s really hard being a single mom nowadays – which is why I don’t have children.

American-Mexican stand-up comedian & actress

We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist

The last thing my kids ever did to earn money was lose their baby teeth.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress

Setting a good example for children takes all the fun out of middle age.

(1908 – 1976) publisher & author

A child of five would understand this; send someone to fetch a child of five.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

If we're all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Teaching wasn’t that bad – except for the kids.


It goes without saying that you should never have more children than you have car windows.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist


Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Adolescence is that period in a kid’s life when parents become more difficult.

(1941 – ) American actor

As a housewife, I feel that if the kids are still alive when my husband gets home from work, then hey, I’ve done my job.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Without identical twins, you’ll never get to experience entering a hotel room with one of them and watching him run into the full-length mirror because he though he saw his brother.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian
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