Subject: Health » Doctors

Osteopath: A man who works his fingers to your bones.

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor

I got a postcard from my gynecologist; It said, “Did you know it’s time for your annual check-up?” … no, but now my mailman does.

American stand-up comedian, television writer & actor

Cold: An ailment cured in two weeks with a doctor’s care, and in fourteen days without it.

The longer I practice medicine the more convinced I am there are only two types of cases: those that involve taking the trousers off and those that don’t.

English author, actor, humorist & playwright

Virus is a Latin word used by doctors to mean “your guess is as good as mine.”

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

Chiropodist: A man who makes money hand over foot.

I used to believe that chiropractors where charlatans, but then I went to one, and now I stand corrected.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer

Double Jeopardy: When your doctor calls in a consulting physician.

After looking at the bill for my operation, I understand why doctors wear masks in the operating room.

The psychiatrist’s office is where you say what you think and be told what you mean.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

My shrink gives me 75 per cent off if I make believe I’m someone else.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

There would never be any public agreement among doctors if they did not agree to agree on the main point of the doctor being always on the right.

(1856 – 1950) Irish playwright & socialist

Isn’t it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do “practice”?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'

(1921 – 1984) British comedian & magician

Most Doctors Agree Breathing Regularly is Good for You

My doctor told me I shouldn’t work out until I’m in better shape.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

Doctors are the same as lawyers; the only difference is that lawyers merely rob you, whereas doctors rob you and kill you too.

(1860 – 1904) Russian short-story writer, playwright & physician

After a year in therapy my psychiatrist said to me, “Maybe life isn’t for everyone.”

(1940 – ) American basketball coach

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance; we'll see about that.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
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