Subject: Marriage » Divorce (Page 3)

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got.

Divorce Marriage

If… you have never contemplated suicide… you’ve never truly been in love; if… you have never contemplated murder…you’ve never been divorced.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage

Paying alimony is like feeding hay to a dead horse.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Animals Divorce Marriage Money

In Hollywood, an equitable divorce settlement means each party getting fifty percent of publicity.

(1924 – 2014) American actress & model
Divorce Hollywood Marriage Places

I heard from my cat’s lawyer today; my cat wants $12,000 a week for Tender Vittles.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

If you made a list of reasons why any couple got married, and another list of the reasons for their divorce, you'd have a hell of a lot of overlapping.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Divorce Marriage

I'm single now, and it's really weird for me to be dating again because, for the last three years, I've just been cheating.

American comedian
Dating Divorce Marriage Relationships

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Divorce Insults Marriage

I am a marvelous housekeeper; every time I leave a man I keep his house.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Divorce Housework Marriage

Always get married early in the morning; that way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.

(1920 – 2014) American actor & entertainer
Divorce Marriage

My wife and I did the Jewish divorce custom where we took a broken glass and we put it back together.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian
Beliefs Divorce Religion

Getting divorced just because you don't love a man is almost as silly as getting married just because you do.

(1917 – 2016) Hungarian-born American actress
Divorce Emotions Love Marriage

My wife made me a millionaire. Before she divorced me, I had three million.

professional hockey player
Divorce Hockey Marriage Misspokements Sports

My parents got divorced after 40 years… that's the longest game of chicken ever.

American comedian
Divorce Marriage

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

Divorce Marriage

Remarriage is an excellent test of just how amicable your divorce was.

(1954 – 2000) humorist, writer & radio commentator
Divorce Marriage

I think that after the third marriage Georgie tried to claim his divorce attorney as a dependent.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Divorce Government Lawyers Marriage Taxes

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Divorce Marriage

Group sex… are you kidding, I had group sex… my wife screwed me in front of the jury.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Sex Wives

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

(1925 – 2005) television host
Divorce Marriage

I got divorced from my wife on June 6, 2006; yeah, 6-6-06, which coincidentally, was when my wife turned into a demon spawned from Satan’s anus – but for legal reasons, I have to call her, “Kate.”

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Divorce Marriage Wives