Subject: Marriage (Page 2)

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

Marriage is the only adventure open to the cowardly.

(1694 – 1778) French author, humanist & satirist

My girlfriend thinks I’m very mature. She also thinks I’m incapable of being faithful. My wife, on the other hand…

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

Matrimony: The splice of life.

She had been married so often she bought a drip-dry wedding dress.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor

Altar: To change through marriage.

Catholics don't get divorced; they stay together through anger and hatred and festering misery, just like God intended.

(1953 – ) American comedian & actor

Bigamy is the only crime where two rites make a wrong.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

These days the meaning of a faithful husband is one whose alimony checks arrive on time.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

Marriage is the process of finding out what kind of man your wife would have preferred.

The secrets of success are a good wife and a steady job… my wife told me.

(1920 – 1991) American poet

Al: Anything for dinner, Peg?

Peg: Get a wife!

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter

The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman.

(1772 – 1834) English poet, literary critic & philosopher

A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve has been extracted.

(1876 – 1950) journalist & humorist

A good husband is healthy and absent.

It's clear to see who makes the pants here.

When you see a married couple walking down the street, the one that's a few steps ahead is the one that's mad.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host

I never meant to marry my second wife; I only meant to rob her.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician

Husbands should be like Kleenex: soft, strong, and disposable.

(1942 – 1999) American actress

You want to know how your girl will treat you after marriage, just listen to her talking to her little brother.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

Your marriage is in trouble if your wife says, 'You're only interested in one thing,' and you can't remember what it is.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor