Subject: People

Two hundred million Americans, and there ain’t two good catchers among ‘em.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
America Baseball People Sports

If there are twelve clowns in a ring, you can jump in the middle and start reciting Shakespeare, but to the audience, you'll just be the thirteenth clown.

Murphy’s Laws People

For boys, puberty is like turning into the Incredible Hulk… but very, very slowly.

(1966 – ) English comedian
People

There’s nothing wrong with teenagers that reasoning with them won’t aggravate.

People

You might be a redneck if… you have more belt-buckles than pants.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks

He may be a son of a bitch, but he’s our son of a bitch.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Government People

Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor
Food/Drink People

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Individuals Killing People

You might be a redneck if… you think "fast food" is hitting a possum at 65 miles an hour.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals People Rednecks

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Parents People

Bachelor: A guy who is footloose and fiancee-free.

Definitions Men People

A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who never owned a car.

(1953 – ) American comedian, writer & actor
Doctors Men

On a long enough timeline, the survival rate for everyone drops to zero.

(1962 – ) writer & journalist
Death People Time

You might recognize me… I'm the fourth guy from the left on the evolutionary chart.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
People Self

We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.


cartoon character in The Simpsons (Julie Kavner)
People Places

From 30 feet away she looked like a lot of class; from ten feet away she looked like something made up to be seen from 30 feet away.

(1888 – 1959) detective novelist & screenwriter
Appearance People Women

I have three kinds of friends: those who love me, those who pay no attention to me, and those who detest me.

(1741 – 1794) French writer
Friends People

Siamese Twins: First person plural.

Definitions People

We may never know exactly how much others know about us, but we can always suspect it.

People Self

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

Your true value depends entirely on what you are compared with.

(1966 – ) American magazine editor
Individuals People Situations