Subject: People

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady, except that a newspaper can always print a retraction.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

Optimist: A middle-aged man who believes that the cleaners have been shrinking the waistband of his pants.

The trouble with Bogart is he thinks he's Bogart.

(1906 – 1987) American movie director, producer & actor

I never met a man I didn’t like until I met Will Rogers.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

I never thought you could win a Pulitzer just for quoting Tommy Lasorda correctly.

(1919 – 1998) American sportswriter

That shower massager makes a woman shake like a car on bad gas going up a hill.

(1970 – ) American actor, producer & stand up comedian

A homely face and no figure have aided many women heavenward.

(1861 – 1950) American writer

A woman's dress should be like a barbed-wire fence: serving its purpose without obstructing the view.

(1934 – ) Italian actress

I believe in loyalty… when a woman reaches an age she likes, she should stick with it.

(1919 – 1995) Hungarian-born American socialite & actress

A woman is like a tea bag… you never know how strong she is until she gets in hot water.

(1884 – 1962) diplomat & reformer & first lady

There are two distinctive classes of people today, those who have personal computers, and those who have several thousand extra dollars apiece.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

Misogynist: A man who hates women as much as women hate one another.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

People tell me there are a lot of guys like me, which doesn't explain why I'm lonely.

(1927 – ) Canadian-born American comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

With my sunglasses on, I'm Jack Nicholson; without them, I'm fat and 60.

(1937 – ) American actor

You might be a redneck if… you removed the back seat from your car so all yer kids could fit in.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

If you treat people right they will treat you right… ninety percent of the time.

(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president

You might be a redneck if… you wish your outhouse was as nice as those at the state park.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You might be a redneck if… Mailpouch sends you Christmas cards.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Anybody who hates dogs and children can’t be all bad.

(1908 – 1997) German-born teacher, academic & humorist

Actually, the reason I look like this is because my father was from Sweden and my mother was Elton John.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
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