Subject: People

Baseball is dull only to those with dull minds.

(1905–1982) American sportswriter

Let's face it, show business is run by 2,000 Jews and Oprah, and she lives next door to Spielberg, which makes her Jewish by association.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor, director & author

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

When a letter simply addressed to "Duffy the Dope" was delivered to me, I knew it was time to retire.

(1915 – 1987) American football player and coach

Early to rise and early to bed makes a male healthy and wealthy and dead.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist

We expect them (Salvadoran officials) to work toward the elimination of human rights.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Julie Kavner)

Here's to our wives and girlfriends… may they never meet!

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Economist: A man who knows more about money than the people who have it.

One of my favorite philosophical tenets is that people will agree with you only if they already agree with you.

The Bible says gays aren’t natural; what? … and a talking snake is?!

(1980 – ) English comedian, television and radio presenter & actor

I don’t believe in vitamin pills; I swear by men, darling, and as many as possible.

(1933 – ) English actress & author

According to obituary notices, a mean and useless citizen never dies.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

Always be nice to people on the way up because you'll meet the same people on the way down.

To get something done, a committee should consist of no more than three men, two of whom are absent.

You would think with all the money she saves on food she could buy a dress.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

I diagnosed my loneliness as premature empty nest syndrome.

(1978 – ) American actress, writer & comedian

Body odor is nature’s alarm clock and a lot of people from my home town are hitting the snooze alarm.

American comedian

A gentleman is a man who can play the accordion but doesn’t.

Penis: Part of the male anatomy which contains the brain.

There is only one difference between a madman and me – the madman thinks he is sane… I know I am mad.

(1904 – 1989) Spanish surrealist painter
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