Subject: People

You might be a redneck if… an episode of Walker, Texas Ranger changed your life.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

… there are three sexes – men, women, and clergymen.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

Sometimes I'm so bored at a party, I'll slip myself a roofie.

comedian & author

Men want the same thing from their underwear that they want from women: a little bit of support, and a little bit of freedom.

(1954 – ) comedian & television actor

Why should I do anything for posterity? … what has posterity ever done for me?

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

A hypocrite is a person who – but who isn't?

(1878 – 1937) humorist, journalist & author

It requires a surgical operation to get a joke well into a Scotch understanding.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman

I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

It’s wonderful to meet so many friends that I didn’t used to like.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager

Acquaintance: A degree of friendship called ‘slight’ when its object is poor and ‘intimate’ when he is rich or famous.

I like men… as a concept.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian

Blessed is the man who, having nothing to say, abstains from giving us worthy evidence of the fact.

Mary Anne Evans (1819 – 1880) English novelist, journalist & translator

Being an old maid is like death by drowning, a really delightful sensation after you cease to struggle.

(1885 – 1968) American writer

Women are like elephants to me: nice to look at, but I wouldn’t want to own one.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

When I dance, people think I’m looking for my keys.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter

Some of the world’s greatest feats were accomplished by people not smart enough to know they were impossible.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist

Why is it old people say, ‘there’s no place like home’, yet when you put them in one…

British comedian

During the feminist seventies men were caught between a rock and a hard-on; in the fathering eighties they are caught between good hugs and bad hugs.

(1936 – ) novelist, essayist & columnist

An Irishman is the only man in the world who will step over the bodies of a dozen naked women to get to a bottle of stout.

You might be a redneck if… you think the stock market has fence around it.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
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