Subject: People (Page 3)

I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.

(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist

We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist

A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.

(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic

Women’s styles may change, but their designs remain the same.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet

Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.

You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

You guys have it so easy; you don't shave: it's sexy, it's a turn-on; we don't shave: it's birth control.

stand-up comedian

I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

In the heat of a political lifetime, he innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gum balls in a quiche

They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth; but they can, if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for 14 hours.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian

Off-the-docks Jews.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

You know that creepy-looking guy you stare at two seats behind you, thinking, who would come to a movie by himself? That's me.

(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive

There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.

(1925 – 2005) television host

Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.

(1818 – 1885) humorist

… the Women’s Lubrication Movement.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

I've pretty much behaved like a knucklehead my entire life.

(1972 – ) American actress & former model

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian

A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.

Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
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