Subject: People (Page 3)

Friend: A good friend is like a good bra… hard to find, supportive, comfortable, and always close to your heart.

I’m fairly certain that the only reason I was born crippled was because God knew I wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to become a stripper.

American comedian

The world is full of willing people; some willing to work, the rest willing to let them.

(1874 – 1963) American poet

It took us hundreds of years to get one Year of the Woman, then we get a year – one of us cuts her husband's penis off.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

Abstainer: The kind of man you wouldn’t want to drink with even if he did.

(1882 – 1958) drama critic, editor

According to obituary notices, a mean and useless citizen never dies.

(1857 – 1938) American lawyer

Note to self: Stop. Doing. Anything.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Dates are basically where I go out and I act like someone I'm not until the person likes me enough to be who I actually am.

writer & comedian

The dumber people think you are, the more surprised they're going to be when you kill them.

She’s like an apple turnover that got crushed in a grocery bag on a hot day.

(1947 – ) American author, teacher & social critic

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator

A lifelong friend is one you haven't borrowed money from yet.

(1914 – 1953) Welsh-born poet & writer

Whatever women do, they must do it twice as well as men to be thought half as good.

Only when one has lost all curiosity about the future has one reached the age to write an autobiography.

(1903 – 1966) English writer

When it comes to giving—some people stop at nothing.

At the age of eleven or thereabouts women acquire a poise and an ability to handle difficult situations which a man, if he is lucky, manages to achieve somewhere in the later seventies.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist

I’m really no different than anybody else; except that sometimes I get my name in the paper.

Canadian professional hockey player

Next to the wound, what women make best is the bandage.

(1808 – 1889) French novelist & short story writer

Egotist: A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Technology is dominated by two types of people: Those who understand what they do not manage and those who manage what they do not understand.

The people sensible enough to give good advice are usually sensible enough to give none.

(1862 – 1960) English writer

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