Subject: People (Page 3)

Don’t you hate it when people assume you’re rich because you sound posh and went to private school and have loads of money?

British actor, comedian & writer

When I got through with him, he was all covered wit' blood… my blood.

(1893 – 1980) American singer, pianist, comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… a seven course meal is a bucket of KFC and a sixpack.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

There's no such thing as a feminist – just women who pay for their own breast implants.

Canadian-American comedian & writer

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because they are generally the same people.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist

Don't try to teach men how to do anything in public; they can learn in private; in public they have to know.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A committee can make a decision that is dumber than any of its members.

You want a friend in Washington?… get a dog.

(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president

You might be a redneck if… you think Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Accuracy to a newspaper is what virtue is to a lady, except that a newspaper can always print a retraction.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

Nobody notices when things go right.

If I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

(1803 – 1857) English writer

I tolerate lactose like I tolerate people.

(1947 – ) American comedian, writer, actor & television producer

So, have you noticed there aren't a lot of Chinese guys named Rusty?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author

Women are absolutely equal; they just can't quite lift as much.

(1953 – ) American singer, songwriter, actor, author & radio personality

I finally know what distinguishes man from the other beasts: financial worries.

(1864 – 1910) French author

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.

This is not the first time that Europe has been passive while a Jew-hating tyrant with a weird looking mustache killed the people by giving them gas… obviously I'm talking about Chef Boyardee.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress

Bureaucrat: A Democrat who holds an office that a Republican wants.

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