Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, Murphy's Laws, insults & more
Some Popular Authors
Alfred E. Neuman
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I do not like to get the news, because there has never been an era when so many things were going so right for so many of the wrong persons.
(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.
(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Women like silent men; they think they’re listening.
(1899 – 1974) French screenwriter, teacher & journalist
We journalists make it a point to know very little about an extremely wide variety of topics; this is how we stay objective.
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
A healthy male adult bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
(1932 – 2009) author, poet & critic
Women’s styles may change, but their designs remain the same.
(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.
You might be a redneck if… you have flowers planted in a bathroom fixture in your front yard.
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
You guys have it so easy; you don't shave: it's sexy, it's a turn-on; we don't shave: it's birth control.
I found a guy's wallet and inside was a picture of my kids!
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Picture of my kids
In the heat of a political lifetime, he innocently squirrels away tidbits of misinformation and then, sometimes years later, casually drops them into his public discourse, like gum balls in a quiche
About Ronald Reagan
They say men can never experience the pain of childbirth; but they can, if you hit them in the goolies with a cricket bat for 14 hours.
(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
All In the Family
You know that creepy-looking guy you stare at two seats behind you, thinking, who would come to a movie by himself? That's me.
(1969 – ) Canadian ice hockey player & executive
There is only one fruitcake in the entire world, and people keep sending it to each other.
(1925 – 2005) television host
Men mourn for what they have lost; women for what they ain't got.
(1818 – 1885) humorist
… the Women’s
All In the Family
I've pretty much behaved like a knucklehead my entire life.
(1972 – ) American actress & former model
Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?
(1954 – ) American actress & comedian
A committee of three gets things done if two don’t show up.
Men have a much better time of it than women; for one thing, they marry later, and for another thing, they die earlier.
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
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