Subject: Situations (Page 50)

No man is an island, but some of us are pretty long peninsulas.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
People Situations

When your opponent is down… kick him.

Misspokements Situations

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Situations

I love America, but I just don’t feel comfortable celebrating Independence Day… because I still live at home with my mother and it wouldn’t be honest.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Situations

Parenthood is a lot easier to get into than out of.

(1941 – ) poet, author, editor & anthologist
Children Family Situations

Always yield to temptation, because it may not pass your way again.

Proverbs Situations

Birth: The first and dirtiest of all disasters. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Situations

I picked up a hitchhiker… you've got to when you hit them.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Situations

If you’re not part of the solution, you’re part of the precipitate.


Problems Situations

The first time I went to a restaurant, they asked me: “How many in your party?” and I said “Six hundred million.”

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Government Situations

Everything takes longer than you expect — even when you expect it to take longer than you expect.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Situations Time

I used to be a proofreader for a sky writing company.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations

I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say "bought", I actually stole it off a short, fat kid.

(1988 – ) English comedian, television presenter & actor
Situations

I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ … and I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Situations

Sometimes, I like to read the Bible in public and yell out, ‘Oh Bullshit!’

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Situations

I feel that if a person has problems communicating the very least he can do is to shut up.

(1928 – ) humorist, singer, songwriter & satirist
Communication Situations Speech

I certainly do not drink all the time, I have to sleep you know.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink Situations Sleep

If you have the woman you love, what more do you need? … well, besides an alibi for the time of her husband’s murder.

(1982 – ) American author
Emotions Love Situations

My doctor said, 'I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news. The good news is you don’t have premenstrual syndrome; the bad news is… you’re a bitch!'

(1949 – ) American actress & comedian
People Self Situations

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments in a courthouse: You cannot post "Thou shalt not steal," "Thou shalt not commit adultery," and "Thou shalt not lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges, and politicians. It creates a hostile work environment.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Government Lawyers Politicians Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations