Subject: TV/Movie Quotes

TV/Movie Quotes:

Humorous lines from television, film and fictional characters
                         (click on name for more quotes by that character)

Volunteering is for suckers. Did you know that volunteers don't even get paid for the stuff they do?

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

You want me to strap her [dead Aunt Edna] to the hood? She’ll be fine. It’s not as if it’s going to rain or something.

(1943 – ) American comedian, writer & actor

L.A.!? We're going to Long Island!?

(1971 – ) American actress

You should’ve seen her face. It was the exact same look my father gave me when I told him I wanted to be a ventriloquist.

(1959 – ) American actor, director, writer, singer & comedian

When will I learn? The answer to life’s problems aren’t at the bottom of a bottle, they’re on TV!

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

Ivan Valadov: For one kiss of your lips I would give half of my life.

Cleo Borden: Oh, see me tomorrow, I’ll kiss you twice.

(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol

Oh, it’s not the speed really so much, I just wish I hadn’t drunk all that cough syrup this morning.

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian

Tonight, I become a lesbian.

(1971 – ) American actress

As inevitable as death in Texas.

(1971 – ) American actress

Cliff: [to Eric] We swear not a word you say will ever go beyond this room.

Norm: We never go beyond this room.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

Just sit through this NRA meeting Marge, and if you still don't think guns are great then we'll argue some more.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)

And God, I promise… no more sex with anybody… unless they really, really, need it.

(1934 – 2010) American actress

I was going to thrash them within an inch of their lives, but I didn't have a tape measure.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

I was in analysis for years and nothing happened. My poor analyst got so frustrated, the guy finally put in a salad bar.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian

There’s only two things I hate in this world; people who are intolerant of other people’s cultures and the Dutch.

(1933 – ) English actor

Important announcement: [to campers] Some hunters have been seen in the woods near Piney Ridge trail and the fish and game commission has raised the legal kill limit on campers to three. So, if you’re hiking today, please wear something bright and keep low.

(1950 – ) American actor & comedian

A census taker once tried to test me. I ate his liver with some fava beans and a nice Chianti.

(1937 – ) Welsh actor & composer

Drebin: Do you think you can beat the champ?

Briggs: I can take him blindfolded.

Drebin: What if he’s not blindfolded?

(1926 – 2010) Canadian actor

I’m saying I can’t afford to make no donations to no Catholic charities. If you need the money that bad, wire the Pope, he’s got more money than God.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)

Sam: There are three types of women I don’t get involved with: married, underaged and comatose.

Norm: [to Cliff] He’s added one.

George Wendt (1948 – ) American actor

Women… if they're not turning down your proposals for marriage, they're accusing you of suspicious behavior in the women's lingerie changing room.

(1947 – ) American actor & entrepreneur

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