Author: Rod Schmidt

My friend Sam has one leg… I went to his house; I couldn't go up the stairs.


Situations

I wear my heart on my sleeve… I wear my liver on my pant leg.


Appearance Body Characteristics Emotions Situations

I had my coathangers spayed.


Things

In school, every period ends with a bell… every sentence ends with a period… every crime ends with a sentence.


Education School

I washed a sock… then I put it in the dryer and when I took it out, it was gone.


Situations

I Xeroxed my watch… now I have time to spare.


Things Time

I took a course in speed waiting… now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.


Learning Time

I Xeroxed a mirror and now I have an extra Xerox machine.


Things

I was born by Caesarean section, but you really can't tell… except that when I leave my house, I always go out the window.


Health

How many people does it take to change a searchlight bulb?


People

I went to a fancy French restaurant called “Deja Vu”, and the headwaiter said, “Don’t I know you?”


Situations

I Xeroxed my watch and now I can give away free watches.


Things

A metaphor is like a simile.


Communication Language

It only rains straight down… God doesn't do windows.


God

Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?


Appearance Body Fat Sports

Ever try to Scotchgard a sponge?


Situations

If you can wave a fan, and you can wave a club, can you wave a fan club?


Communication Language Things

I had amnesia… once or twice.


Health Memory

There aren't enough days in the weekend.


Time

Droughts are because God didn’t pay his water bill.


God

Is "tired old cliche" one?


Communication Language