Author: Steve Martin

I like a woman with a head on her shoulders… I hate necks.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

First the doctor told me the good news: I was going to have a disease named after me.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A day without sunshine is like, you know… night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Boy, those French… they have a different word for everything!

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

And now, I’m pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

How many people have never raised their hand before?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Always… no wait… never…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like none weeks and five days.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Let me be the first to tweet about the 2018 earthquake.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

The operation was a success, but I’m afraid the doctor is dead.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Persistence is a great substitute for talent.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Somewhere in the world is… the world’s worst doctor… and he could be yours.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

It was so sweet backstage, you should have seen it: the Teamsters were helping Michael Moore into the trunk of his limo.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Cruel Shoes

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician