Author: Steve Martin

And now, I’m pleased to introduce the star of the film Gladiator, and a man I like to call a close, personal friend, but he told me not to…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I think I did pretty well, considering I started out with nothing but a bunch of blank paper.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I just gave my cat a bath; now how do I get all this fur off my tongue?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I know we’ve only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like none weeks and five days.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You’re like the Ernest Hemingway of bullshit.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

You want to know how I think art should be taught to children? … Take them to a museum and say, “This is art, and you can’t do it.”

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I thought yesterday was the first day of the rest of my life but it turns out today is.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Yeah… I remember my first beer.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Comedy is the art of making people laugh without making them puke.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Talking about music is like dancing about architecture.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe you should place a woman on a pedestal – high enough so you can look up her dress.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

If you’re studying Geology, which is all facts, as soon as you get out of school you forget it all, but Philosophy you remember just enough to screw you up for the rest of your life.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Hosting the Oscars is much like making love to a woman… it's something I only get to do when Billy Crystal is out of town.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A celebrity is anyone who looks like he spends more than two hours working on his hair.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

How many people have never raised their hand before?

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

Always… no wait… never…

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

For sincere advice and the correct time, call any number at random at 3:00 a.m.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

A day without sunshine is like, you know… night.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

All I’ve ever wanted was an honest week’s pay for an honest day’s work.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician

I believe in equality; equality for everybody; no matter how stupid they are or how superior I am to them.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician













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