Subject: Activities (Page 11)

Fishing relaxes me. It’s like yoga, except I still get to kill something.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

I can’t drive an automatic.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Autos Driving Things

Don't cook… don’t clean; no man will ever make love to a woman because she waxed the linoleum

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities Housework Sex

When your cat has fallen asleep on your lap and looks utterly content and adorable, you will suddenly have to go to the bathroom.

Animals Cats Murphy’s Laws Sleep

A married friend of mine does that thing where he never goes to bed angry… because every time he and his wife fight, she makes him sleep on the couch.

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Anger Emotions Marriage Situations Sleep

Thanks to the Interstate Highway System, it is now possible to travel from coast to coast without seeing anything.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Beliefs Games

The strength of the turbulence is directly proportional to the temperature of your coffee.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

Strip Poker: A game in which the more you lose the more you have to show for it.

Activities Definitions

I think, in 10 years, hell's gonna be the only place left where you can still smoke.

(1965 – ) American comedian
Activities Future Places Time

We played strip chess. She had me down to my shorts and I fainted from tension.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Activities TV/Movie Quotes

Life is something to do when you can’t get to sleep.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Life Sleep

I buy a dress because I need change for gum.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Activities Clothing Shopping

The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.

Husbands Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

If God dropped acid, would he see people?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Drugs God People

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

The candy bar you planned to eat on the way home from the market is hidden at the bottom of the grocery bag.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Sex at 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old Sex

I bet on a horse at ten-to-one; it didn't come in until half-past five.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Sports

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Age Young

Somebody once said that laughter is the best medicine, and that was clearly written by a man that never tried Vicodin.

(1959 – ) American comedian, comedy writer, actor & author
Activities Drugs Emotions Health Laughter