Subject: Activities (Page 9)

I went to the store and bought eight apples; the clerk said, “Do you want these in a bag?” I said, “Oh, no, man, I juggle.”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

I wrote my nightmares out this afternoon so I can get a good night’s sleep tonight.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Sleep

Men can say things in stores women can't believe like, "but I already have a pair of black pants.”

(1952 – ) comedian
Men People Shopping Speech Women

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

There’s a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an idiot.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Fools Sports

Nothing makes a fish bigger than almost being caught.

Activities Honesty Lies

I would like to go fishing and catch a fishstick… that would be convenient.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

Golf is a good walk spoiled.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Activities Golf Sports

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

Insomnia: contagious disease often transmitted from babies to parents.

Activities Definitions Sleep

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Age Young

I don’t let men smoke in my apartment, but if I have a woman over she can barbecue a goat.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & voice actor
Activities Women

Whenever two fishing lines are contiguous, they will become continuous.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

I've been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout; that's where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister's house and ask her for money.

(1956 – 2016) American stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs Exercise Money

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Activities Exercise Sex

The time to enjoy a European tour is about three weeks after you unpack.

(1672 – 1719) English essasyist, poet & politician
Activities Places Travel

Futon World – a wonderful place that becomes slowly less comfortable over time.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities Shopping Situations Things Time

Basic research is what I am doing when I don't know what I am doing.

(1912 – 1977) German-born rocket engineer
Activities Work

Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Housework

The weight of your pack increases in direct proportion to the amount of food you consume from it; if you run out of food, the pack weight goes on increasing anyway.

Activities Murphy’s Laws

The most used appliance in our house is my 10-year-old son Leon's Xbox.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Activities Things