Subject: Activities (Page 18)

All buses heading in the opposite direction drive off the face of the earth and never return.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Travel

The slowest checker is always at the quick-check-out lane.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping

Women: You can't live with them, and you can't get them to dress up in a skimpy little Nazi costume and beat you with a warm squash or something.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Activities Clothing Sex Things Women

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs

I take him shopping with me… I say, 'OK, Jesus, help me find a bargain.'

(1942 – 2007) American televangelist (was married to Jim Bakker)
Activities Beliefs God Shopping

I was once arrested for walking in someone else’s sleep.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Situations Sleep

I did think about adopting… an 18-year-old girl from Thailand, whose hobbies include vacuuming and some light dusting.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Girls Housework People Relationships

In order to live off a garden, you practically have to live in it.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Activities

I never drink coffee at lunch, I find it keeps me awake for the afternoon.

(1911 – 2004) 40th U.S. president & actor
Food/Drink Situations Sleep

Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers.

Beliefs Driving Murphy’s Laws Opinion People

Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Beliefs Games

When I was in high school, a “drive-by shooting” meant someone had their rear end hanging out a car window!

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities Age Young

I smoke 10 to 15 cigars a day, at my age I have to hold on to something.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Age Old

You can find your way across this country using burger joints the way a navigator uses stars.

(1934 – 1997) journalist
Activities America Autos Places Travel

Jamaican Air – Every flight is the red-eye!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Travel

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

The universe is a big place, perhaps the biggest.

(1922 – 2007) American novelist
Housework Places

If God wanted me to bend over, he’d have put diamonds on the floor.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Activities God

Identity Thief starts off moronic and then goes downhill.

British broadcaster, writer & film critic
Driving Reviews/Criticism

No one needs a vacation so much as the person who has just had one.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Activities

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Activities Exercise Sex