Subject: Activities (Page 23)

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Family

I've done the calculation and your chances of winning the lottery are identical whether you play or not.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Games

If I have an orgasm, I feel that I have to give six weeks of community service to various charities.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities Characteristics Sex

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Activities Definitions Games

Have you ever thought about registering as a sex offender just so your friends won’t bring their kids over to your house?

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Friends People Travel

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Places Sex Shopping

Flying is learning how to throw yourself at the ground and miss.

(1952 – 2001) English writer, dramatist, & musician
Activities Definitions

My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park, whistling show tunes.

(1939 – ) American actor, dancer, singer, producer & choreographer
Activities

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

No matter what I do, I cannot lose this 18 pounds… I mean I have tried everything short of diet and exercise.

American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Exercise Fat

Have you ever taken something out of the clothes hamper because it had become, relatively, the cleanest thing?

(1928 – ) British journalist, writer & columnist
Appearance Clothing Housework

My first rule of consumerism is never to buy anything you can’t make your children carry.

American author
Activities Shopping

I don’t do drugs anymore – than, say, the average touring funk band.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Drugs

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving

My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Sex

I sleep eight hours a day and at least ten at night.

(1961 – 1994) comedian
Activities Sleep

Fishing: A delusion entirely surrounded by liars in old clothes.

Activities Definitions

You might be a redneck if… you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities People Rednecks

There is such a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so that they can’t get away.

(1965 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Activities

Back in my rummy days, I would tremble and shake for hours upon arising… it was the only exercise I got.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Activities Alcohol Exercise Food/Drink Health