Subject: Activities (Page 32)

We had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought me Viagra; I bought her a treadmill.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor
Activities Exercise Sex

I don’t understand the whole concept of a massage; you get a woman to rub all over every single part of your body except the one part you really want rubbed on.

(1968 – ) American comedian, actor & country music artist
Activities Sex

The best accessory a girl can have is her best friend.

(1981 – ) heiress, socialite, media personality & model
Appearance Friends Travel

My idea of gambling was walking through Central Park, whistling show tunes.

(1939 – ) American actor, dancer, singer, producer & choreographer
Activities

Drug: A substance that, when injected into a guinea pig, produces a scientific paper.

Activities Definitions Drugs Science/Weather

Whoever said money can’t buy happiness simply didn’t know where to go shopping.


Activities Emotions Happiness Money Shopping

Never let a fool kiss you, or a kiss fool you.

(1911 – 1999) comedian, author & columnist
Activities Fools Intelligence

Some people think I’m high on stage; I would never get high before a show, because, when I’m high, I don’t wanna stand in front of a bunch of people I don’t know.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Drugs Situations

What is the big deal about trainspotters… I counted 27 of the losers today.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Activities

He was asked to throw out the first ball at a World Series game; but … he looked at the ball and, instead of throwing it, he put it in his pocket and sat down.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Activities Frugal Money Sports

The traveller sees what he sees; the tourist sees what he has come to see.

(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Activities Travel

Swimming isn’t a sport; it’s just a way to keep from drowning.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Activities Sports

There are three side effects of acid; enhanced long term memory, decreased short term memory… and I forget the third.


Activities Drugs Intelligence Memory

When Neil Armstong first set foot on the moon, he and all the space scientists were puzzled by an unidentifiable white object; I knew immediately what it was… that was a home run ball hit off me in 1933 by Jimmie Foxx.

(1908 – 1989) American baseball player
Activities Baseball Sports

There are more fish taken out of a stream than ever were in it.

(1863 – 1935) British-born American writer, artist & illustrator
Activities Beliefs Honesty Lies

He who hesitates is not only lost, but several miles from the next freeway exit.

Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

You ever go shopping for a really cute, little, sexy black dress – and you come home with an extra-large pepperoni pizza?


Shopping Situations

I'm starting to jog, but every time I do jog I have 9-1 pressed into my phone, with the next ‘1’ ready to be launched in case I drop.

(1965 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
Activities Exercise

If you've never seen an elephant ski, then you've never been on acid.

(1962 – ) English stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Drugs

It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

Murphy’s Laws Time Travel

Childish Games: Those at which your wife beats you.

Activities Definitions Games