Subject: Activities (Page 33)

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor
Sex Shopping Situations

Golf is the most fun you can have without taking your clothes off.

(1935 – ) Puerto Rican professional golfer
Activities Golf Sports

I was thinking of running a marathon, but I think it might be too difficult getting all the roads closed and providing enough water for everyone.

comedian
Activities Sports

The other line moves faster.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Shopping

I’ll take a vacation if I don’t go.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Activities

Anything labeled "NEW" and/or "IMPROVED" isn't.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

A necessary item goes on sale only after you have purchased it at the regular price.

Murphy’s Laws Shopping Things

Bus schedules are arranged so your bus will arrive at the transfer point precisely one minute after the connecting bus has left.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Time Travel

Bridge is a friendly game invented by two married couples who disliked each other.

Activities Games

If your wife wants to learn to drive, don’t stand in her way.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Autos Driving Marriage Wives

Please don’t ask me what the score is, I’m not even sure what the game is.

(1933 – ) English author & cartoonist
Activities Games Life

Sinker: Lead weight attached to the end of a length of fishing line to facilitate the speedy disposal of unwanted lures.

Activities Definitions Things

I'm on a wrong-way street!

Driving Malaprops

Some people talk in their sleep; lecturers talk while other people sleep.

(1913 – 1960) French-Algerian author, philosopher & journalist
Communication Situations Sleep Speech

When there is a very long road upon which there is a one-way bridge placed at random, and there are only two cars on that road, it follows that: (1) the two cars are going in opposite directions, and (2) they will always meet at the bridge.

Activities Autos Driving Murphy’s Laws Travel

You might be a redneck if… the Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Entertainment People Rednecks Shopping Television

Eleven months’ hard work and one month’s acute disappointment.

British businessman & politician
Activities

I bought a new pair of pajamas with pockets, which is great, cause now i don’t have to hold things when I sleep.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Clothing Situations Sleep Things

Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who cannot sleep with window shut, and a woman who cannot sleep with the window open.

(1902 – 1971) American humorist & poet
Activities Husbands Marriage Relationships Sleep Things Wives

My wife… a great driver, she once hit a deer. It was in a zoo. There are a pair of shoes on the dashboard. they belong to the last guy she hit.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Activities Driving

Sometimes the road is less traveled for a reason.

Activities Proverbs Travel