Subject: Activities (Page 34)

Exercise: The joy of flex.

Activities Definitions Exercise

I drank some boiling water because I wanted to whistle.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

I like American women; they do things sexually Russian girls never dream of doing… like showering.

(1951 – ) Soviet-American comedian
Activities Places Sex

I spent twelve years training for a career that was over in a week; Joe Namath spent one week training for a career that lasted twelve years.

(1949 – ) American Olympic athlete
Activities People Situations Sports

I haven’t been to sleep for over a year; that’s why I go to bed early… one needs more rest if one doesn’t sleep.

(1903 – 1966) English writer
Activities Sleep

Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Drugs

I used to think about Cindy Crawford; now, I think about leaving dishes in the sink overnight without a war breaking out.

(1965 – 2010) American stand-up comedian & television personality
Housework Marriage Sex

The cigarette smoke always drifts in the direction of the non-smoker regardless of the direction of the breeze.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Situations

Gardening: Man’s effort to improve his lot.

Activities Definitions

The last time I drank, I drove into a ditch, which doesn't sound like that big of a deal, but I stopped at the ditch, looked left and right, then drove into the ditch.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Alcohol Autos Driving Situations

You might be a redneck if… you ever won first prize in a tobacco spittin’ contest.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Activities People Rednecks

Jogging is for people who aren’t intelligent enough to watch television.

(1953 – 2016) British comedian, actress, singer & screenwriter
Activities Exercise

I believed in drug testing a long time ago… all through the Sixties I tested everything.

American baseball pitcher
Activities Baseball Drugs Sports

Bridge: A game which gives women something to try to think about while they are talking.

Activities Definitions Games

The remaining distance to your chosen campsite remains constant as twilight approaches.

Activities Murphy’s Laws Science/Weather

I make no secret of the fact that I would rather lie on a sofa than sweep beneath it.

(1932 – ) British novelist & journalist
Activities Housework

I thought about giving up smoking, but decided not to – I’m not a quitter.

(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Activities

Meetings are an addictive, highly self-indulgent activity that corporations and other large organizations habitually engage in only because they cannot actually masturbate.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities People Sex

A teacher is someone who talks in our sleep!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Education Occupations Sleep

When you look like your passport photo, it’s time to go home.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Activities Appearance Travel

It always takes longer to get there than to get back.

Murphy’s Laws Time Travel