Subject: Activities (Page 36)

At the gym; I’ve given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

American comedian & actor
Activities

All the years this guy did drugs, no one could have slipped him some calcium?

comedian
Activities Drugs Health

The fewer rules a coach has, the fewer rules there are for players to break.

(1936 – ) American football coach & television announcer
Activities Sports

Excuse me, my leg has gone to sleep; do you mind if I join it?

(1887 – 1943) theater critic & commentator
Situations Sleep

The amount of sleep needed by the average person is five minutes more.

typographer
Activities Situations Sleep Time

My roommate said to me, 'I'm gonna go shave and use the shower; does anyone need to use the bathroom?' … it's like some weird ass quiz where he reveals the answer first.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Games

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building… on the ledge.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Activities Dogs

My horse was so late getting home, he tiptoed into the stable.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

Under an assumed name.

(1889 – 1961) Am. playwright, theater director & producer & humorist
Activities

My friend died doing what he loved… heroin.

Canadian-American comedian, writer & columnist
Activities Death Drugs

I went snorkeling on vacation aka surprise drinking a lot of water through a big straw.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Activities

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

Age Children Family Travel

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

I want to ride in a cold air balloon; “This isn’t going anywhere!”

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities Situations

Ability is the art of getting credit for all the home runs somebody else hits.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Activities Baseball Characteristics Sports

I ain't in no mood to play 120 questions.

television character, All In the Family (Carroll O’Connor)
Activities Malaprops

My dad drives so slow that when we’re on the highway, Amish people give us the finger.

comedian
Activities Driving Family Fathers People

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities Animals Food/Drink

Whatever carrousel you stand by, your baggage will come in on another one.

Murphy’s Laws Travel

Whenever I go to shave, I assume there's someone else on the planet shaving, so I say, "I'm gonna go shave, too."

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Activities Family Travel