Subject: Activities » Shopping (Page 3)

If you need n items of anything, you will have n – 1 in stock.

When women are depressed they either eat or go shopping; men invade another country.

(1952 – ) comedian

If it feels good, it’s ugly. If it looks good, it hurts.

Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: ‘This looks much better on.’… On what?… On fire?

(1954 – ) American actress & comedian

I went to buy some condoms today, and I said to the pharmacist, 'Excuse me, I need some condoms;' and he said, 'Just a minute,' and I said, 'Oh, that's my brand.'

American comedian & actor

Three o’clock in the morning, you can get truck tires, falafel and a bag of heroin – in the same store.

(1968 – ) American stand-up comedian, radio personality, author & actor

Bargain Hunter: One who is often led astray by false profits.

I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5′s and the clerk said, “ten-four.”


My marriage is on the rocks again, yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

I liked Amsterdam… I spent $2,000 window shopping.

(1957 – ) American comedian

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

The only time a woman has a true orgasm is when she’s shopping.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

I went to a record store, they said they specialized in hard-to-find records… nothing was alphabetized!

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

People will buy anything that’s one to a customer.

(1885 – 1951) American novelist, short-story writer & playwright

When I was a kid, you ate, and you drank, and you passed out and nobody woke you up and said, 'Let's go shopping.'

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

If an item is advertised as "under $50," you can bet it's not $19.95.

The most important item in an order will no longer be available.

Now what I don't get are these people who, instead of buying a four-pack or an eight-pack of toilet paper, they buy the single individual roll; are you trying to quit?

comedian

Suzanne: I never use catalogs. I’d rather go in the store and see all the salespeople groveling and sucking up to you.

Julia: Pardon me, I never knew they were so solicitous at the K-Mart.

(1939 – 2010) American actress

A study of economics usually reveals that the best time to buy anything is last year.

(1922 – 2018) comedian & actor