Subject: Animals

Nature abhors a vacuum… but not as much as cats do.

Animals Cats

You might be a redneck if… you take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Dogs People

Man should stop fighting among themselves and start fighting insects.

(1849 – 1926) American botanist & horticulturist
Animals Conflict War

Being president is like being a jackass in a hailstorm; there's nothing to do but to stand there and take it.

(1908 – 1973) 36th U.S. president
Animals Government President

You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Dogs

I'm convinced my cockroaches have military training, I set off a roach bomb – they diffused it.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals

Even a dog knows the difference between being tripped-over and kicked.

Animals Dogs Proverbs

I played a great horse yesterday; it took seven horses to beat him.

(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Activities Animals

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People

My favorite animal is steak.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Animals Food/Drink

The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Situations

He's as big as a gorilla and as strong as a gorilla; if he was as smart as a gorilla he'd be fine.

college football coach
Animals Appearance Body Insults Intelligence

I got a waterbed, but my husband stocked it with trout.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Animals Things

Because he spills his seed on the ground.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Animals

I wonder how many chameleons snuck onto the Ark.

English comedian, actor & writer
Animals

If criticism had any power to harm, the skunk would be extinct by now.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Communication

Free Puppies: part German shepherd, part stupid dog.

Animals Classifieds Dogs

Sharks are as tough as those football fans who take their shirts off during games in Chicago in January, only more intelligent.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Cold Football Intelligence Places Sports

If it's so great outside, why are all the bugs trying to get inside my house?

(1966 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Animals

I'm not a vegetarian, but I eat animals who are.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Activities Animals Food/Drink

How long do cats live? Like assuming you don’t throw ‘em under a bus or something?

(1969 – ) American actress, film director & producer
Animals Cats TV/Movie Quotes