Subject: Animals (Page 13)

Did you know a bird is the only animal that you can throw and you’d be helping it?

Comedian
Animals

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Animals Autos Things

Home computers are being called upon to perform many new functions, including the consumption of homework formerly eaten by the dog.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Computers Dogs School Things

I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Dogs Relationships

My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard and earned an online college degree.

Animals Dogs Education

A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.

(1952 – ) comedian
Animals Cats Dating Relationships

A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Activities Age Animals Children Young

The only thing houseflies fear more than the Venus fly trap is the hanging plant.

comedian
Animals

I think animal crackers make people think that all animals taste the same.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink

All bachelors love dogs, and we would love children just as much if they could be taught to retrieve.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Dogs

There are rules about riding a horse, but the horse won’t necessarily know them.

Animals

Aa dog walking on his hind legs … is not done well, but you are surprised to find it done at all.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Animals Dogs

All I know of birds to this date is that sparrows are the ones that are not pigeons.

(1938 – 2007) British writer
Animals

I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Beliefs Dogs

I've been on so many blind dates, I should get a free dog.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Situations

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Animals Family Parents

As ugly as a bulldog chewing a wasp.

Animals Appearance Dogs Expressions Ugly

Cats… a standing rebuke to behavioural scientist.


Animals Cats

I wanna put stickers on turtles… I don’t know why.

(1973 – ) American comedian
Animals

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

(1879 – 1935) humorist & social commentator
Animals Situations

Any member introducing a dog into the Society’s premises shall be liable to a fine of one pound. Any animal leading a blind person shall be deemed to be a cat.

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Animals Cats Dogs Murphy’s Laws