Subject: Animals (Page 3)

It hit me how resentful it must make rats, knowing that they're just a bushy tail away from being hand fed in the park.

(1959 – ) American stand-up comedian
Animals Situations

Fishing is boring, unless you catch an actual fish, and then it is disgusting.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Animals Sports

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

When Jack Benny plays the violin, it sounds as if the strings are still in the cat.

(1894 – 1956) American radio comedian
Animals Cats Entertainment Music

Because he spills his seed on the ground.

(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Animals

The real threat to whales is whaling, which has endangered many whale species.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Activities Animals

You always hear a headline like this,”Man Killed By Shark,” you never hear it from the other perspective, “Man Swims in Shark Infested Waters, Forgets He's Shark Food.”

(1950 – ) American cartoonist The Far Side
Animals

Elephant: A mouse built to government specifications.

(1907 – 1988) science fiction author
Animals Definitions

You're supposed to eat the cows; they're great big lumbering stupid things – they’d be everywhere if we didn’t eat them.

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer
Animals Eating Food/Drink Life

The lion and the calf shall lie down together but the calf won’t get much sleep.

(1935 – ) movie actor, director & comedian
Animals Conflict Situations Sleep

You know what, evolution is a myth; why aren't monkeys still evolving into humans?

(1969 – ) U.S. Representative (Delaware)
Animals Beliefs

Cats don’t belong to people; they belong to places.


Animals Cats

You might be a redneck if… you ever named a child after a dog.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Animals Children Dogs Family People Rednecks

I've been sitting my whole life, and a dog has never looked at me as though he thought I was tricky.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Dogs Intelligence

Animals have two vital functions in today's society: to be delicious and to fit well.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Animals

It all started when my dog began getting free roll over minutes.

(1966 – ) American stand-up comic
Animals Dogs

The more one gets to know of men, the more one values dogs.

(1803 – 1885) French writer & journalist
Animals Dogs People

The dog has got more fun out of Man than Man has got out of the dog, for the clearly demonstrable reason that Man is the more laughable of the two animals.

(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Animals Dogs

I can make more generals, but horses cost money.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Animals Government Military Money

Porkchops and bacon, my two favorite animals.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Animals TV/Movie Quotes

You can take a horse to water, but a pencil must be led.

(1890 – 1965) English comic actor, writer & director (of Laurel & Hardy)
Animals Situations