Subject: Appearance » Clothing

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

I was dating a transvestite, and my mother said, 'Marry him, you'll double your wardrobe.'

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Clothing Marriage

If it says “one size fits all,” it doesn’t fit anyone.

Clothing Murphy’s Laws

My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee; unfortunately, she was just coming home.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing Sex Wives

You might be a redneck if… your belt buckle weighs more than three pounds.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Clothing People Rednecks

Kilt: A costume sometimes worn by Scotchmen in America and Americans in Scotland.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
America Clothing Definitions Places

After I told my wife that black underwear turned me on, she didn't wash [mine] for a month.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing

Don't give a woman advice; one should never give a woman anything she can't wear in the evening.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Clothing People Women

Did you know babies are nauseated by the smell of a clean shirt?

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Children Clothing Family Health

Once you can accept the universe as matter expanding into nothing that is something, wearing stripes with plaid comes easy.

(1879 – 1955) German-born physicist
Clothing Intelligence Science/Weather Understanding

Underwear: An article of clothing which, when kept clean, ensures the wearer will never have an accident.

Appearance Clothing Definitions

White pants should be worn on two occasions: One, never, and two, if you’re selling ice cream.

(1959 – ) American actor, stand-up comedian & television host
Appearance Clothing

I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance Clothing Men People

This morning when I put on my underwear I could hear the Fruit-of-The-Loom guys laughing at me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance Body Clothing

I got a run in my neon stockings.

Clothing Malaprops

I’m still trying to understand the wearing of high heels at the airport.

(1969 – ) American comedian & actor
Appearance Clothing

Azinger is wearing an all back outfit: black jumper, blue trousers, white shoes and a pink tea-cosy hat.

British sports announcer
Appearance Clothing Misspokements

You might be a redneck if… three quarters of the clothes you own have logos on them.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Appearance Clothing People Rednecks

Necktie: A decorative noose worn by businessmen.

(1950 – ) American author, satirist, webmaster & copywriter
Clothing Definitions

Trying to get a little kid dressed is like gift-wrapping an octopus.

American writer
Appearance Children Clothing Family

It’s easy to tell when you’ve got a bargain – it doesn’t fit.

Activities Clothing Murphy’s Laws Shopping