Subject: Appearance (Page 41)

Whatever the occasion, [the Queen] has a face which demonstrably says ‘I don’t give a royal s**t.

(1977 – ) British political comedian & television host

If a woman tells you she's twenty and looks sixteen, she's twelve. If she tells you she's twenty-six and looks twenty-six, she's damn near forty.

(1965 – ) comedian, actor, screenwriter, television producer & director

He is so ugly… when he throws a boomerang it won’t come back.

Girdle: The difference between fact and figure.

High heels were invented by a woman who had been kissed on the forehead.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host

Men look at breasts the way women look at babies – 'Aw, isn't that lovely.'

(1971 – ) Irish comedian, actor & writer

He should know better than that. He knows I only drink scotch.

Canadian professional hockey goalie

Bald: When one has less hair to comb but more face to wash.

I said to my husband, ‘My boobs have gone, my stomach’s gone, say something nice about my legs;’ he said, ‘Blue goes with everything.’

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

Her hair lounges on her shoulders like an anesthetized cocker spaniel.

American journalist & critic

I'm Jewish and Italian, and I lucked out and got the nose of both cultures.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer

When I die, I’m leaving my body to science fiction.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

All babies look like Renee Zellweger pushed against a glass window.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

You can't even jump high enough to touch the rim, unless they put a Big Mac on it.

(1963 – ) American professional basketball player & sports personality

All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’

American baseball player

1. Giving away baby clothes and furniture is a major cause of pregnancy. 2. Always be backlit. 3. Sit down whenever possible.

He looked very thin and emancipated.

He looked like something that had gotten loose from Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade.

(1888 – 1964) comedian & actor

I love that black dress; that neckline is plunging faster than Aretha Franklin’s head into a bucket of fried chicken.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director

When I see a man of shallow understanding extravagantly clothed, I feel sorry – for the clothes.

(1818 – 1885) humorist