Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Appearance
(Page 41)
He is so ugly… he has to sneak up on his mirror.
Anonymous
Appearance
Exaggerations
Ugly
When it comes to eating, you can sometimes help yourself more by helping yourself less.
Richard Armour
(1906 – 1989) American poet & author
Appearance
Body
Eating
Fat
Food/Drink
Marrying a man is like buying something you've been admiring for a long time in a shop window; you may love it when you get it home, but it doesn't always go with everything else in the house.
Jean Kerr
(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Appearance
Clothing
Marriage
Shopping
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion rules, including: both of your socks should always be the same color, or they should at least both be fairly dark.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Appearance
Clothing
Men
People
A plastic surgeon increases your face value.
Anonymous
Appearance
Plastic surgery
He [looks like] an umbrella left behind at a picnic.
George Moore
(1852 – 1933) Irish writer, poet, art critic & dramatist
Appearance
Insults
On poet W. B. Yeats
You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a BB gun.
Mitch Hedberg
(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Appearance
BB gun
Dimples
The one thing women don't want to find in their stockings on Christmas morning is their husband.
Joan Rivers
(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance
Clothing
Husbands
Marriage
Christmas
Stockings
Cultivate your curves – they may be dangerous but they won't be avoided.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Curves
It is a scientific fact that your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.
Dave Barry
(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Body
Food/Drink
Cholesterol
The best reason I can think of for not running for President of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.
Adlai E. Stevenson
(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician
America
Appearance
Government
Places
President
Shaving
All the fat guys watch me and say to their wives, ‘See, there’s a fat guy doing okay. Bring me another beer.’
Mickey Lolich
American baseball player
Appearance
Baseball
Fat
Sports
The only person who ever left the Iron Curtain wearing it.
Oscar Levant
(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Clothing
Insults
Zsa Zsa Gabor
You know you're getting fat when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
John Mendoza
comedian
Appearance
Body
Fat
I didn't discover curves; I only uncovered them.
Mae West
(1893 – 1980) actress, playwright, screenwriter & sex symbol
Appearance
Body
Curves
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Age
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Old
Gloves
Liver spots
Jeans: Lower half of the international uniform of youth.
Anonymous
Appearance
Clothing
Definitions
Jeans
A bag of tattooed bones in a sequined slingshot.
‘Mr. Blackwell’
Richard Blackwell (1922 – 2008) fashion critic, journalist, & designer
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Insults
On Cher
An ounce of sequins can be worth a pound of home cooking.
Marilyn Vos Savant
(1946 – ) American magazine columnist, author, lecturer & playwright
Appearance
Body
Clothing
Fat
Sequins
The sane appear as strange to the mad as the mad to the sane.
Joe Orton
(1933 – 1967) English playwright
Appearance
Intelligence
Madness
Sanity
I’ve seen some players with very big feet, and some with very small feet.
David Pleat
English football player, manager & sports commentator
Appearance
Body
Feet
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