Subject: Characteristics (Page 27)

If Jesus was a Jew, how come he has a Mexican first name?

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

I am not one of those who in expressing opinions confine themselves to facts.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist

Man will occasionally stumble over the truth, but most of the time he will pick himself up and continue on.

I would rather be an opportunist and float than go to the bottom with my principles round my neck.

(1867 – 1947) British politician

Accountability: The mother of caution.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Poverty is not a disgrace, but it’s terribly inconvenient.

(1908 – 2002) comedian, radio & television actor

If men have a smell it's usually an accident.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Selfish: Devoid of consideration for the selfishness of others.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Nyquil comes in two colors, red and green, and it's the only thing on the planet that tastes like red and green.

(1948 – ) stand-up comedian, actor, author & playwright

I recognize my limits, but when I look around I realize I am not living exactly in a world of giants.

(1919 – ) Italian Prime Minister

The difference between a moral man and a man of honor is that the latter regrets a discreditable act, even when it has worked and he has not been caught.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

I’m not being condescending, I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor

Pessimism: A philosophy forced upon the convictions of the observer by the disheartening prevalence of the optimist with his scarecrow hope and his unsightly smile.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist

Never try to teach a pig to sing; it wastes your time and annoys the pig.

He is a shifty-eyed goddamn liar…. he's one of the few in the history of this country to run for high office talking out of both sides of his mouth at the same time and lying out of both sides.

(1884 – 1972) 33rd U.S. president

The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I would be honest.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

One good thing about apathy is you don’t have to exert yourself to show you’re sincere about it.

There's so much good in the worst of us, and so many of the worst of us get the best of us, that the rest of us aren't even worth talking about.

(1895 – 1964) comedian (wife & partner of George Burns)

There are two sides to every question: my side and the wrong side.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor

My friends, no matter how rough the road may be, we can and we will, never, never surrender to what is right.

(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician

Deep down, I'm pretty superficial.

(1922 – 1990) American actress