Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Characteristics
(Page 7)
Hermits have no peer pressure.
Anonymous
Characteristics
Hermits
Influence
If you treat people right they will treat you right… ninety percent of the time.
Franklin D. Roosevelt
(1882 – 1945) 32nd U.S. president
Characteristics
Honesty
People
Fairness
A gold mine is a hole in the ground with a liar on top.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Gold mine
Liars
If you own a home with wheels on it and several cars without, you just might be a redneck.
Jeff Foxworthy
(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Characteristics
People
Rednecks
Things
Mobile homes
Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics
Cynics
Idealists
She looked at me like a cow looking at a new gate.
Anonymous
Appearance
Characteristics
Expressions
Intelligence
Confusion
Puzzled
Forgive your enemies, but never forget their names.
John F Kennedy
(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Characteristics
Enemies
Forgiveness
You take the lies out of him, and he'll shrink to the size of your hat; you take the malice out of him, and he'll disappear.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
Honesty
Insults
Lies
Super-competence is more objectionable than incompetence.
Peter's Observation
Characteristics
Murphy’s Laws
Problems
Incompetence
Super-competence
I am extraordinarily patient, provided I get my own way in the end.
Margaret Thatcher
(1925 – 2013) British prime minister & politician
Characteristics
Patience
There’s only one difference between Catholics and Jews; Jews are born with guilt, and Catholics have to go to school to learn it.
Elayne Boosler
(1952 – ) comedian
Beliefs
Characteristics
People
Religion
Catholics
Guilt
Jews
Tolerance: That uncomfortable feeling that the other fellow might be right after all.
Anonymous
Beliefs
Characteristics
Definitions
Tolerance
If you can’t annoy somebody with what you write, I think there’s little point in writing.
Kingsley Amis
(1922 – 1995) English novelist & poet
Characteristics
Communication
Reading/Writing
Annoy
It is always the secure who are humble.
G.K. Chesterton
(1874 – 1936) English author & mystery novelist
Characteristics
Humble
Be good and you will be lonely.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
People
Self
Good
Lonely
Being a star has made it possible for me to get insulted in places where the average Negro could never hope to go and get insulted.
Sammy Davis Jr.
(1925 – 1990) American entertainer
Characteristics
Insults
People
Success
Celebrity
Racism
Lack of pep is often mistaken for patience.
Frank ‘Kin’ Hubbard
(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Characteristics
Energy
Patience
Some people think of the glass as half full; some people think of the glass as half empty; I think of the glass as too big.
George Carlin
(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Characteristics
Glass half full
Optimism
Pessimism
The man who is a pessimist before forty-eight knows too much; if he is an optimist after it he knows too little.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Characteristics
People
Optimists
Pessimists
We would all like a reputation for generosity and we'd all like to buy it cheap.
Mignon McLaughlin
(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Characteristics
Generosity
Reputation
Good hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even when you wish they were.
Alfred E. Neuman
fictional mascot and cover boy of
Mad
, an American humor magazine
Characteristics
Friends
Old
People
Hospitality
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