Subject: Definitions (Page 77)

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Epigram: A wisecrack that played Carnegie Hall.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Communication Definitions Language

Character: What you have left when you’ve lost everything you can lose.

Definitions

Life Insurance: A contract that keeps you poor all your life so you can die rich.

Definitions Money

History: An account, mostly false, of events, mostly unimportant, which are brought about by rulers, mostly knaves, and soldiers, mostly fools.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions History Time

Whoa!: A brake for horses.

Animals Definitions

Cheerfulness: The art of concealing your true feelings.

Definitions Emotions Happiness

Diet Drink/Soda: A drink you buy at a convenience store to go with a half-pound bag of peanut M&Ms.

Definitions Food/Drink

Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling. 

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Intelligence

Savages: People who don’t know what is wrong until missionaries show them.

Definitions People

College: A fountain of knowledge where students gather to drink.

Definitions Education School

Neighbors: People who live near you, who are never around when you need to borrow power tools or jumper cables, but who are everywhere when you are having a heated argument with your spouse.

Definitions People

Bigamist: A man who who has had one too many.

Definitions Marriage

Bigamist: A man who keeps two himself.

Definitions Marriage

Marital Freedom: The liberty that allows a husband to do exactly that which his wife pleases.

Definitions Marriage

Science Fiction: Fairy tales for nerds.

Communication Definitions Science/Weather

Alimony: The high cost of leaving.

Definitions Marriage

Will: A dead giveaway.

Death Definitions

Doctor: The only man who hasn’t a guaranteed cure for a cold.

Definitions Doctors Health

Future: That period of time in which our affairs prosper, our friends are true and our happiness is assured.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Future Time

Life: A play with a lousy third act.

Definitions Life

Retraction: The revision of an insult to give it wider circulation.

Definitions Insults