Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 33)
Children are smarter than any of us; cause I don't know one child with a full time job and children.
Bill Hicks
(1961 – 1994) comedian
Children
Family
Intelligence
Twins: Infant replay.
Anonymous
Children
Definitions
Family
Twins
You know how growing up we all had that voice inside our head that tells us we’re not good enough? Well, mine was outside my head driving me to school.
Julie Bowen
(1970 – ) American actress
Family
Mothers
People
Self
TV/Movie Quotes
As Claire Dunphy in “Modern Family”
Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child.
Dan Quayle
(1947 – ) U.S. vice president & politician
Children
Communication
Misspokements
Mothers
Bondage
Republicans
We must respect the other fellow's religion, but only in the sense and to the extent that we respect his theory that his wife is beautiful and his children smart.
H.L. Mencken
(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Appearance
Characteristics
Children
Intelligence
Religion
Wives
Respect
I have two boys, 5 and 6… we’re no good at naming things in our house.
Ed Byrne
(1972 – ) Irish stand-up comedian, voice over artist & actor
Children
Family
Wordplay
Any kid will run any errand for you if you ask at bedtime.
Red Skelton
(1913 – 1997) American comedian & radio & television host
Children
Family
I was raised as an only child… which really annoyed my sister.
Will Marsh
British comedian
Children
Family
Childhood
A child will not spill on a dirty floor.
Skoff's Law
Accidents
Children
Spills
Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.
John F Kennedy
(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Family
Government
Mothers
Politicians
President
We wondered why when a child laughed, he belonged to Daddy, and when he had a sagging diaper that smelled like a landfill – “He wants his mother.”
Erma Bombeck
(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children
Family
Fathers
Mothers
I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Money
My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Intelligence
Situations
Stupidity
Pens
Theft
My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.
Buddy Hackett
(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Cooking
Family
Food/Drink
Mothers
I think that maybe if women and children were in charge we would get somewhere.
James Thurber
(1894 – 1961) author, cartoonist & humorist
Children
People
Situations
Women
Control
Progress
I feel like having a baby and having a dog are pretty much the same except for the part where your vagina gets ruined.
Whitney Cummings
(1982 – ) American actress & comedian
Family
Babies
Giving birth
They’re all mine…. of course, I’d trade any one of them for a dishwasher.
Roseanne Barr
(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family
Dishwasher
Her children
Somewhere on this globe, every ten seconds, there is a woman giving birth to a child; she must be found and stopped.
Sam Levenson
(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist
Children
Exaggerations
People
Women
Birth
I don’t know who my grandfather was; I’m much more concerned to know who his grandson will be.
Abraham Lincoln
(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president
Family
Grandchildren
Grandfathers
Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.
Martin Mull
(1943 – ) comedian & actor
Children
Family
Trouble
What ya eat ain't got nuttin' to do with how old ya are. That all depends on your ancestors. It's what they call a matter of
heresy.
Archie Bunker
television character,
All In the Family
(Carroll O’Connor)
Family
Malaprops
Heredity
Page 33 of 34
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