Quotes and One Liners
humorous one-liners, quotations, jokes, Murphy's Laws & more
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Subject:
Family
(Page 33)
When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Mothers
Self
The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant – and let the air out of the tires.
Dorothy Parker
(1893 – 1967) writer, humorist & poet
Children
Family
Places
Home
Pleasant atmosphere
Tires
I love little children, but they are like pinatas full of urine.
Blair Butler
(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian & television host
Children
Family
Pinatas
Urine
A three-year-old child is a being who gets almost as much fun out of a fifty-six dollar set of swings as it does out of finding a small green worm.
Bill Vaughn
(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Activities
Age
Animals
Children
Young
Fun
When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.
Henny Youngman
(1906 – 1998) English-born American comedian
Appearance
Family
Mothers
Ugly
Birth
I wasn’t particularly close to my dad before he died… which was lucky, because he trod on a land mine.
Olaf Falafel
Family
Fathers
When my old man wanted sex… my mother would show him a picture of me.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Mothers
Sex
I hate when new parents ask who the baby looks like; it was born 15 minutes ago… it looks like a potato.
Will Ferrell
(1967 – ) American comedian, actor, producer & writer
Children
Family
Babies
It is not economical to go to bed early to save the candles if the result is twins.
Proverb
Children
Money
Proverbs
Sex
Believe me… if you leave twin two-year-olds alone in your living room, at some point a cow will be airborne.
Ray Romano
(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children
Family
On raising twins
We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.
Rita Rudner
(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals
Children
Dogs
Family
Daughter: A person who Dad likes because she reminds him why he married his wife, and who Mom is afraid of because she reminds her of why her husband married her.
Unknown
Definitions
Family
Daughter
A gypsy girl sent an email to an [advice columnist] “I am 12 years old and haven’t had sex yet, do you think my brother is queer?”
Billy Connolly
(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Family
Gypsy
I’ve wanted to have a baby for about five years, but she wants one forever.
Lee Mack
(1968 – ) English comedian & actor
Family
Baby
Wife
I’m so ugly – my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
Rodney Dangerfield
(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Appearance
Children
Family
Fathers
Ugly
Picture
My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.
Charles 'Chic' Murray
(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family
Fathers
Fools
Intelligence
Mothers
People
Self
Simpletons
I was so naive as a kid I used to sneak behind the barn and do nothing.
Johnny Carson
(1925 – 2005) television host
Characteristics
Children
People
Things
Barn
Naive
You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.
Zadie Smith
(1975 – ) British novelist
Children
Family
I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.
Eugene Mirman
(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Alcohol
Children
Family
Fathers
And always remember the last words of my grandfather, who said, “A truck!”
Emo Phillips
(1956 – ) American comedian
Communication
Death
Family
Language
Last words
Grandfathers
Truck
Familiarity breeds contempt… and children.
Mark Twain
Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Children
People
Sex
Breeds
Familiarity
Page 33 of 34
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