Subject: Family (Page 33)

I’m from Chicago, but I pay child support in Seattle; I’m just kidding – I don’t pay child support.

(1975 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Age Children Family Marriage Places

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Family Parents

Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.

Children Family

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Mothers

Obviously, if I was serious about having a relationship with some one long-term, the last people I would introduce him to would be my family.

(1975 – ) American stand-up comedian, television host, actress, & author
Family Relationships

I think a dysfunctional family is any family with more than one person in it.

(1955 – ) American poet, essayist & memoirist
Family

My parents had to tie a pork chop around my neck so the dog would play with me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs Family Parents

Experimenting with Babies

Book Titles Children

I guess the biggest issue my husband and I are going to have is how do we raise the baby… because he’s Jewish and I’m Protestant and the baby’s father is Catholic.

Canadian-American comedian & writer
Beliefs Children Family Fathers Marriage Religion

Time moves slower in a fast moving vehicle.

Children Murphy’s Laws Time

It’s better to be black than gay, because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother.

(1926 – 1999) actor, comedian & female impersonator
Family Mothers

"It’s the violence in the media that's the problem…" no, the problem is a lot of your kids are dicks and you won’t do shit about it.

(1967 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

My kids always perceived the bathroom as a place where you wait it out until all the groceries are unloaded from the car.

(1927 – 1996) columnist & humorist
Children Family

I love my family, but that is no reason why I need to acknowledge them in public.

(1929 – ) English actress & singer
Family TV/Movie Quotes

Four words every mom dreads hearing: “You're under arrest, mom.”


Family Mothers

I am determined that my children shall be brought up in their father’s religion, if they can find out what it is.

(1775 – 1834) English critic & essayist
Beliefs Family Fathers Religion

My father was stupid; he worked in a bank and they caught him stealing pens.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Fathers Intelligence Situations Stupidity

Twits beget twits.

Family Murphy’s Laws

The worst waste of breath, next to playing a saxophone, is advising a son.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Beliefs Children Family Opinion

Because you are feeding both the child and the floor, raising this child will be expensive.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor
Children Family Food/Drink Money

So, I’m licking jelly off my boyfriend… and all of a sudden I’m thinking… oh, my God, I’m turning into my mother.

(1970 – ) American comedian, writer & actress
Family Mothers Sex Situations