Subject: Family (Page 5)

We picked out old-fashioned names for our kids; our little boy is Hunter and our little girl is Gatherer. 

comedian

As a child my parents said they believed in Santa Claus but that I didn’t exist.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor

You might be a redneck if… you keep a fly swatter in the front seat of the car so you can reach your kids in the back seat of the car.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality

Never rely on the glory of the morning or the smiles of your mother-in-law.

A woman never wakes up her second baby just to see it smile.

Grown-ups never understand anything by themselves, and it is tiresome for children to be always and forever explaining things to them.

(1900 – 1944) French aristocrat, writer, poet & pioneering aviator

Kids… I like kids, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

I refuse to admit I'm more than 52, even if that does make my sons illegitimate.

(1879 – 1964) British politician

A father is someone who carries pictures in his wallet where his money used to be.

Birthday parties always end in tears.

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

A suburban mother’s role is to deliver children obstetrically once, and by car forever after.

(1910 – 1993) editor & novelist

If in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer

The Baby Owner’s Manual: Operating Instructions, Trouble-Shooting Tips, and Advice on First-Year Maintenance

Human beings are the only creatures that allow their children to come back home.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

Children are smarter than any of us; cause I don't know one child with a full time job and children.

(1961 – 1994) comedian

Kin: An affliction of the blood.

There’s a lot more to being a woman than being a mother, but there’s a hell of a lot more to being a mother than most people suspect.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

A Sunday school is a prison in which children do penance for the evil conscience of their parents.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist

What a childhood I had. My parents sent me to a child psychiatrist. The kid didn’t help me at all.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor