Subject: Family (Page 5)

By the tine the youngest children have learned to keep the house tidy, the oldest grandchildren are on hand to tear it to pieces.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist
Children Family

My father only hit me once – but he used a Volvo.

(1928 – 2003) English entertainer
Autos Conflict Fathers Fights Things

Genealogy: An account of one’s descent from an ancestor who did not particularly care to trace his own.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Definitions Family Past

My daughter's tricycle said “Some Assembly Required” … it came in a jar!

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Problems

I was born when my dad was 50; it’s weird growing up with a dad that much older than you… we’d go to the movies and we’re both getting discounts.

(1970 –) American stand-up comedian
Age Family Fathers

The most remarkable thing about my mother is that for thirty years she served the family nothing but leftovers.

(1935 – ) columnist, journalist & novelist
Family Food/Drink Mothers

Give to a pig when it grunts and a child when it cries, and you will have a fine pig and a bad child.

Children Family Proverbs

My mother’s menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it.

(1924 – 2003) American comedian & actor
Cooking Family Food/Drink Mothers

Margaret Addams: What.
Debbie Jellinsky: Oh, I didn’t say anything.
Margaret Addams: No, that’s the baby’s nickname, What … from the obstetrician.

(1941 – ) American actress
Children TV/Movie Quotes

There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or forbid your kids to do it.

Children Family Murphy’s Laws

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

(1943 – ) English comedian
Children Family Money Wealth

Kids are great. You can teach them to hate what you hate and, with the Internet and all, they practically raise themselves.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children TV/Movie Quotes

I worry about my nan; if she’s alone and falls, does she make a noise? I’m joking, she’s dead.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Family Health

When I was born my father spent three weeks trying to find a loophole in my birth certificate.

(1924 – 1987) American stand-up ‘deadpan’ comedian and actor
Family Fathers People Self

When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Animals Children Dogs Family

It’s a mystery of parenthood that your son can give mouth-to-mouth resuscitation to stray, worm-riddled dogs, share a piece of re-chewed gum from a kid with bronchitis and pick his nose and eat it on a regular basis, yet won’t sit next to his sister because of ‘Girl Germs.’

(1958 – ) Australian author
Children Family

If in America you are what you drive, then in Parentland, you are what you push.

(1957 – ) American comedian, actor & writer
Children Family Parents

I don’t have any children but if I had a baby I would have to name it so I’d buy a “baby naming book” … or I would invite somebody over who had a cast on.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Books Children Family

Only thing that’s worse than walking in on your parents making love is walking in on your grandparents making love.

(1969 – ) comedian & actor
Age Family Relationships Sex

A lot of people think kids say the darnedest things, but so would you if you had no education.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker
Children Education Family Intelligence Speech

Dachshunds are ideal dogs for small children, as they are already stretched and pulled to such a length that a child cannot do much harm one way or another.

(1889 – 1945) actor, author & humorist
Animals Children Dogs People