Subject: Family (Page 8)

The more I go through parenting, the more I say I owe my mother an apology.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Mothers

Life: A span of time of which the first half is ruined by our parents and the second half by our children.

Children Definitions Parents

I don’t visit my parents often because Delta Airlines won’t wait in the yard while I run in.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer
Family Mothers

Parents are embarrassed when their children tell lies, and even more embarrassed when they tell the truth.

Children Communication Family Honesty Lies Speech Truth

Family reunions are when relatives gather from all over to be reminded why they scattered in the first place.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Activities Family Relationships

When I was younger, I really wanted a skateboard but my parents couldn't afford one; so one morning, I woke up early and went to the garage, I got some wood and some nails… and beat my parents to death.

My foster parents bought me 5 skateboards.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Family Parents Things

[A successful parent is one] who raises a child who grows up and is able to pay for his or her own psychoanalysis.

(1941 – 2012) American novelist, producer, screenwriter & director
Children Family Parents Success

Baby: An inhabitant of Lapland.

Children Definitions Family

My mother was so house proud that when my father got up to sleepwalk she had the bed made by the time he got back.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Housework Mothers

When I was a kid, I got no respect. I told my mother I’m gonna run away from home. She said, “On your mark…”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self

It is only rarely that one can see in a little boy the promise of a man, but one can almost always see in a little girl the threat of a woman.

(1824 – 1895) French writer
Children Girls People

Do not, on a rainy day, ask your child what he feels like doing, because I assure you that what he feels like doing, you won’t feel like watching.

(1950 – ) writer & humorist
Activities Children Family

Where there’s a will, there’s a relative.

Family Proverbs Relationships

Then we figured out we could just park them in front of the TV; that's how I was raised and I turned out TV.

cartoon character in The Simpsons (Dan Castellaneta)
Children Television TV/Movie Quotes

My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family

The best ally you can have in breaking up a street fight is a grandmother.

(John Bloom) (1953 – ) American film critic, writer & actor
Conflict Family Fights

I live near a remedial school and outside there is a sign that says, slow – children; that can't be good for their self esteem.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Children Situations

We’ve begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet – so we bought a dog; well, it’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Animals Children Dogs Family

Genealogy: Chasing your own tale.

Definitions Family

My wife and I are discussing whether we’re going to spank our child or not; I say wait ’til she does something wrong.

American comedian
Children Family Old

Can I Sit on Your Lap While You’re Pooping?

Book Titles Children