Subject: Family (Page 9)

Humans are the only animals that have children on purpose with the exception of guppies, who like to eat theirs.

(1947 – ) author, humorist & satirist
Animals Children Eating People

When I went to college, my parents threw a going away party for me, according to the letter.

(1956 – ) American comedian
Family Parents Reading/Writing School

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

Children Murphy’s Laws

Nothing’s as mean as giving a little child something useful for Christmas.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Children Family

They’re all mine…. of course, I’d trade any one of them for a dishwasher.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer
Family

People who get nostalgic about childhood were obviously never children.

(1955 – ) cartoonist (Calvin and Hobbes)
Age Children Family Past Young

Out of the mouth of babes… usually when you’ve got your best suit on.

Children Family

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Children Family Learning

When I was a boy, I laid in my twin size bed, wondering where my brother was.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Family Things

Mothers all want their sons to grow up to be president, but they don’t want them to become politicians in the process.

(1917 – 1963) 35th U.S. president
Family Government Mothers Politicians President

Now the thing about having a baby – and I can’t be the first person to have noticed this – is that thereafter you have it.

(1922 – 2003) author & playwright
Family

Billy Almon has all of his inlaw and outlaws here this afternoon.

(1924 – 2014) American baseball player & announcer
Family Misspokements

Don’t be discouraged if your children reject your advice; years later they will offer it to their offspring.

Beliefs Children Family Opinion

Four words every mom dreads hearing: “You're under arrest, mom.”


Family Mothers

In 1903 the Wright brothers invented airplanes, because in 1902 they took a road trip across the country with their family.

(1957 – ) American comedian
Activities Family Travel

The child that divides gets last pick.

Children Murphy’s Laws

You don’t have favorites among your children but you do have allies.

(1975 – ) British novelist
Children Family

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

(1943 – ) English comedian
Children Family Money Wealth

My dad has a weird hobby; he collects empty bottles… which sounds so much better than “alcoholic.”

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
Alcohol Fathers Food/Drink

Bud, don't be jealous, you're both of our children. It's just that Kelly's our favorite now.

(1954 – ) American actress & singer-songwriter
Children TV/Movie Quotes

Grandmother: A babysitter who doesn’t hang around the refrigerator.

Definitions Family