Subject: Family (Page 9)

You know, it was only after my father showed me what I would inherit that I struggled to keep him alive.

(1967 – ) English comedian

I read somewhere that 26 is too old to still live with your parents; it was on a note, in my room.

comedian

My childhood should have taught me lessons for my own parenthood, but it didn’t because parenting can be learned only by people who have no children.

(1937 – ) comedian & television actor

I actually adopted a baby; I wanted a highway, but it was a lot of red tape.

stand-up comedian, actor, writer & producer

We've had bad luck with our kids… they've all grown up.

(1890 – 1957) author & journalist

I tell ya, it’s tough to save a buck. Right now I’m supporting two fighters. My wife and her mother.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor

The only truly anonymous donor is the guy who knocks up your daughter.

(1923 – 1966) stand-up comedian, writer, social critic & satirist

What's the advantage of having a kid at 49?… you can both be in diapers at the same time?

stand-up comedian

Kids used to ask you where they came from – now they tell you where to go.

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer

I know how to do anything — I’m a mom.

(1952 – ) comedian, actress & writer

Having a baby is like trying to push a grand piano through a transom.

(1884 – 1980) author & wit

The reason grandparents and grandchildren get along so well is that they have a common enemy.

(1911 – 1980) humorist, writer, television host & journalist

There is not a man in America who has not had a secret ambition to boot an infant.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer

I’m not going to buy my kids an encyclopedia; let them walk to school like I did!

(1925 – 2015) baseball player, coach & manager

Parents: People who bear infants, bore teenagers, and board newlyweds.

My house is made out of balsa wood, so when I want to scare the neighborhood kids I lift it over my head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw it at them.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer

My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child; we can’t decide whether to ruin our carpet or ruin our lives.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer

My parents used to take me to the pet department and tell me it was a zoo.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor

I think that I would be a good father… especially if my baby liked to go out drinking.

(1974 – ) Russian-born American comedian, writer & filmmaker

A child can be taught not to do certain things, such as touch a hot stove, pull lamps off of tables, and wake Mommy before noon.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director