Subject: Food/Drink (Page 39)

I’m a postmodern vegetarian… I eat meat ironically.

(1965 – ) English comedian, musician, actor & author
Eating Food/Drink

You might be a redneck if… you've ever been too drunk to fish.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Alcohol People Rednecks

Secretary: Someday you'll drown in a vat of whiskey.

Field’s reply as an aside: Drown in a vat of whiskey? Oh death, where is thy sting?

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Death Food/Drink

Now don't say you can't swear off drinking… it's easy; I've done it a thousand times.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

If you are allergic to alcohol… can you take shots for that?

Jewish-American stand-up comedian & writer
Alcohol Food/Drink

My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four, unless there were three other people.

(1915 – 1985) stage & film actor & director
Doctors Eating Food/Drink

My mother never breast fed me, she told me she only liked me as a friend.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Food/Drink Mothers Relationships

She looked as if she had been poured into her clothes and had forgotten to say "when."

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Alcohol Appearance Insults

I’ve been on a diet for two weeks and all I’ve lost is two weeks.

(1930 – 1978) American comedian
Eating Food/Drink Time

Eating rice cakes is like chewing on a foam coffee cup, only less filling.

(1947 – ) American columnist & humorist
Eating Food/Drink

One reason I don't drink is that I want to know when I am having a good time.

(1879 – 1964) British politician
Alcohol Emotions Food/Drink Happiness

Turkey can never beat cow.

(1970 – ) American actor, writer & carpenter
Food/Drink TV/Movie Quotes

Do not taste food while you’re cooking… you may lose your nerve to eat it.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Cooking Eating Food/Drink

If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what would happen if you strapped toast on the back of a cat and drop it?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Animals Cats Food/Drink Things

My wife’s such a bad cook, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Cooking Food/Drink

I’ve never been in a rotating restaurant, but one time I took my girlfriend to a merry-go-round, I put her on it, and I gave her a burrito.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Eating Food/Drink Things

There’s many a slip twixt the cup and the lip.

Alcohol Food/Drink Proverbs

Wine we need for health, and the health we need to drink vodka.

(1938 – 2010) Russian politician
Alcohol Food/Drink

If you drop a full can of beer, and remember to rap the top sharply with your knuckle prior to opening, the ensuing gush of foam will be between 89 and 94 percent of the volume that would splatter you if you didn't do a damned thing and went ahead and pulled the top immediately.

Alcohol Beer Food/Drink Murphy’s Laws Situations

It looks different when you're sober; I thought I had twice as much furniture.

(1927 – 2018) playwright & screenwriter
Alcohol Food/Drink

I bought myself a parrot, but it did not say “I’m hungry”, and so it died.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Animals Food/Drink