Subject: Government (Page 40)

Bush gave an interview and he said people will vote for him because 'They've seen me weep, they’ve seen me laugh, and they’ve seen me hug – the same qualifications for a Tickle Me Elmo.

(1956 – ) comedian, television host, social critic & political commentator

Nobody can ever learn our military's secrets — unless, you know, they happen to have the Discovery Channel… then, it's pretty easy, just tune in for a few minutes.

(1974 – ) American stand-up comedian & actor

The two symbols of the Republican Party: an elephant, and a big fat white guy who is threatened by change.

(1973 – ) animator, writer, actor & producer

The politician is an acrobat; he keeps his balance by doing the opposite of what he says.

(1862 – 1923) French writer & politician

Politicians make strange bedfellows, but they all share the same bunk.


If it moves, salute it; if it doesn't move, pick it up; if you can't pick it up, paint it.

In politics, stupidity is not a handicap.

(1769 – 1821) French general & politician

These days, the only time politicians tell the truth is when they call each other a liar.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

I regret to say that we of the FBI are powerless to act in cases of oral-genital intimacy, unless it has in some way obstructed interstate commerce.

(1895 – 1972) American director of the Federal Bureau of Investigation

Democracy: A small hard core of common agreement, surrounded by a rich variety of individual difference.

1. If the facts are against you, argue the law. 2. If the law is against you, argue the facts. 3. If the facts and the law are against you, yell like hell.

This foreign policy stuff is a little frustrating.

(1946 – ) 43rd U.S. president

What's black and white and brown and looks good on a lawyer? … a Doberman.

(1931 – 2001) Canadian author, screenwriter & essayist

Under any conditions, anywhere, whatever you are doing, there is some ordinance under which you can be booked.

Elections are when people find out what politicians stand for, and politicians find out what people will fall for.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire; they're trained for that!

(1964 – ) English comedian

An independent is a guy who wants to take the politics out of politics.

(1900 – 1965) diplomat & Democratic politician

Harry had won by such a narrow margin he might not have made it if Bess hadn't voted for her husband.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor

1. In dealing with their “own” problems, faculty members are the most extreme conservatives 2. In dealing with “other” people's problems, they are the world's most extreme liberals.

The best way to get a bad law repealed is to enforce it strictly.

(1809 – 1865) 16th U.S. president

Lawsuit: A contest generally won by the party that can afford to reimburse the lawyers on both sides of the dispute.