Subject: Marriage (Page 28)

I was married by a judge… I should have asked for a jury.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage

Some people claim that marriage interferes with romance. There’s no doubt about it. Anytime you have a romance, your wife is bound to interfere.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Marriage Relationships Wives

When you marry your mistress you create a job vacancy.

(1933 – 1997) Anglo-French billionaire financier
Marriage

I was gonna do that mail order bride thing, but you don't know, because if you ain't home and your neighbor signs for her, she's out there mowing his lawn.

stand-up comedian
Marriage

My wife has just two complaints: first, she’s got absolutely nothing to wear and second, she’s run out of closet space to keep it in.

Appearance Clothing Wives

I've never been married, but I tell people I'm divorced so they won't think something's wrong with me.

(1952 – ) comedian
Marriage People Self

Never go to bed mad… stay up and fight.

(1917 – 2012) comedian & actress
Activities Conflict Fights Marriage Sleep

Every American woman has two souls to call her own, the other being her husband's.

(1877 – 1947) British diarist & critic
Husbands Marriage Wives

I don't think I'll get married again; every five years or so, I'll just find a woman I don't like and give her a house.

(1946 – 1994) writer & humorist
Divorce Marriage

Bachelors have consciences, married men have wives.

(1709 – 1784) English author, essayist, critic, editor & lexicographer
Husbands Marriage People

Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.

Definitions Marriage Wives

A man may be a fool and not know it, but not if he is married.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Fools Marriage Men

Marriage is not a process for prolonging the life of love, sir; it merely mummifies its corpse.

(1881 – 1975) English writer & humorist
Marriage

Of all the home remedies, a good wife is best.

(1868 – 1930) cartoonist, humorist & journalist
Health Marriage Wives

A sweetheart is a bottle of wine, a wife is a wine bottle.

(1821 – 1867) French poet, essayist & art critic
Marriage Wives

My wife’s not too smart; I told her our kids were spoiled… she said, “all kids smell that way.”

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Children Family Intelligence Marriage Stupidity

Behind every successful man is a woman, behind her is his wife.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Husbands Men People Success Wives Women

My wife and I had words – but I never got to use mine.

Conflict Marriage Wives

You have to remember: the wife has been home all day cleaning asses and feeding faces… sometimes the opposite.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Children Family Marriage Wives

Alimony is the curse of the writing classes.

(1923 – 2007) American novelist, journalist & playwright
Communication Marriage Occupations Reading/Writing

Marriage: A process of finding out what sort of guy your wife would have preferred.

Definitions Marriage