Subject: Marriage (Page 26)

My wife and I, we have a perfect plan to save our marriage, a nice little French restaurant, candlelight, a nice bottle of wine; I go on Tuesday, she goes on Thursday

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage

Men marry because they are tired; women, because they are curious; both are disappointed.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Marriage Men Women

A fate worse than marriage; a sort of eternal engagement.

(1939 – ) English playwright
Marriage

I have great hopes that we shall love each other all our lives as much as if we had never married at all.

(1788 – 1824) English poet
Marriage

When my wife gets a little upset, sometimes a simple “Calm down” in a soothing voice is all it takes to get her a lot upset.

Marriage Wives

The bride’s family sat on this side, and the groom’s family sat on that side ’cause of the restraining order.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Marriage

Alimony: The sum of money a man is commanded to pay his ex-wife in exchange for the pleasure of having her live under a separate roof.

Definitions Marriage

Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Government Marriage Politics

My wife and I had words, but I never got to use mine.

Jim Jordan (1896 – 1988) American radio comedian (of Fibber McGee & Molly)
Communication Marriage Speech

My parents divorced when I was one year old so I don't really remember any of the details, but luckily my mom does so she's been really helpful.

(1978 – ) American stand-up comedian, actress & writer
Divorce Family Marriage Parents

Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Marriage Sex Wives

Playing with your spouse on the golf course runs almost as great a marital risk as getting caught playing with someone else's anywhere else.

golf journalist
Golf Marriage Sports

Presidents don’t do it to their wives; they do it to their country.

(1926 – ) film director, screenwriter, composer, comedian, actor & producer
Activities Government President Sex Wives

Marriage is a wonderful invention; then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.

(1942 – ) Scottish comedian, musician & actor
Marriage

The trouble with most marriages is after she says ‘I do’, she won’t.

Marriage

You know your girlfriend is getting fat when she can fit into your wife's clothes.

(1964 – ) American stand-up comedian
Appearance Body Fat Marriage

You can calculate Zsa Zsa Gabor's age by the rings on her fingers.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Age Divorce Insults Marriage

I’m still friends with all my ex’s, apart from my husbands.

(1946 – ) American recording artist, actress, director & record producer
Divorce Husbands Marriage

There is one thing more exasperating than a wife who can cook and won’t, and that’s a wife who can’t cook and will.

(1874 – 1963) American poet
Cooking Food/Drink Marriage Wives

The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.

American entrepreneur & author
Intelligence Marriage Memory Wives

Optimist: The sort of man who marries his sister’s best friend.

(1880 – 1956) journalist, essayist, editor & satirist
Friends Marriage Men