Subject: Miscellaneous (Page 4)

It’s funny how two simple words, “I promise,” will stall people for a while.

Miscellaneous

He's as country as a bowl of grits.

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A near man with a dollar

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If I lived back in the olden days, and the doctor put leeches on me, I’d tell him to put them on my face, in the shape of a beard, so I could see how I’d look.

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Too mean for Jesus, too dumb for the Devil

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Don’t ever get your speedometer confused with your clock, like I did once, because the faster you go, the later you think you are.

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Warning to all outer-space guys: you can capture me and put me in your “space zoo” if you like, but I will sit way in the back of my cage, where it’s hard to see me; and when I do come out, I won’t be wearing any pants.

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After such an introduction, I can hardly wait to hear what I’m going to say.

(1909 – 1977) British journalist
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This ain't my first rodeo.

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I don’t do quagmires.

(1932 – ) American businessman & U.S. Secretary of Defense
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Now that’ll throw yer hat in the creek.

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You'll go to hell for lyin' just as fast as fer stealin' chickens.

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… as clumsy as a blind dog in a meat house.

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One foot in the grave and another on a banana peel

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Be like the old lady who fell out of the wagon.

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He don’t use his kindlin’ to get a fire started.

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I think they should continue the policy of not giving a Nobel Prize for paneling.

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I’d shake his hand, but I think that’s what’s holding up his pants.

(1961 – ) American comedian, actor & talk show host
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If you're in a boxing match, try not to let the other guy's glove touch your lips, because you don't know where that glove has been.

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She will have to walk behind the angels – and she won’t like that.

(1841 – 1910) King of the United Kingdom
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If Alien was my friend, I'd like to be with him when he went to the dentist. When they started drilling, he'd probably go nuts and start eating everybody. That Alien!

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