Subject: Money (Page 5)

I’m opposed to millionaires, but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Beliefs Money Opinion Wealth

A man who has a million dollars is as well off as if he were rich.

(1763 – 1848) German-American, first multi-millionaire in the U.S.
Money People Wealth

The poor wish to be rich, the rich wish to be happy, the single wish to be married, and the married wish to be dead.

(1918 – 2002) advice columnist
Happiness Life Marriage People Poverty Wealth

What the insurance companies have done is to reverse the business so that the public at large insures the insurance companies.


Money

The government deficit is the difference between the amount of money the government spends and the amount it has the nerve to collect.

(1920 – 2001) American writer & humorist
Government Money

I got an E-Trade account… turns out I can turn $1,000 into $420 in less than a week.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Money

As long as people will accept crap, it will be financially profitable to dispense it.

(1936 – ) television talk show host
Entertainment Money People Television

Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.

(1943 – ) English comedian
Children Family Money Wealth

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Language Money

There is only one word for aid that is genuinely without strings, and that word is blackmail.

(1902 – 1977) Scottish journalist & author
Money

Today, too many workers spend their time trying to make their weekends meet.

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Money Time

The first time you go out after your wife’s birthday, you will see the gift you gave her marked down fifty percent.
Corollary: If she’s with you, she’ll assume you chose it because it was cheap.

Husbands Money Murphy’s Laws Shopping Wives

Those who have some means think that the most important thing in the world is love; the poor know that it is money.

(1894 – 1987) British writer
Emotions Love Money People Wealth

I believe that sex is the most wonderful and beautiful thing that money can buy.

(1945 – ) comedian, actor, writer, playwright & musician
Money Sex

Associate with well-mannered persons and your manners will improve; run with decent folk and your own decent instincts will be strengthened; keep the company of bums and you will become a bum; hang around with rich people and you will end by picking up the check and dying broke.

Characteristics Money Murphy’s Laws People

The future, according to some scientists, will be exactly like the past, only more expensive.

(1937 – 2000) science fiction author
Future Money Past Time

What I'm saying is we were poor, people; I mean, blues singers would show up at our house when they had writer's block – that's how poor we were.

(1954 – ) American comedian, writer & musician
Money Poverty

Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was so poor I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Age Food/Drink Money Poverty Young

Tradition is what you resort to when you don’t have the time or the money to do it right.

(1905 – 1988) Austrian-born American conductor
Money Situations Time

A woman can smell mink through six inches of lead.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Clothing Money People Women

1. Always hire a rich solicitor.

2. Never buy from a rich salesman.

Lawyers Money Murphy’s Laws Wealth