Subject: Money (Page 9)

When there are sufficient funds in the checking account, checks take two weeks to clear; when there are insufficient funds, checks clear overnight.

Money Murphy’s Laws Time

It's so cold here in Washington, D.C., that politicians have their hands in their own pockets.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Places Politics

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Health Intelligence Situations Sleep Wealth

Poverty is no disgrace to a man, but it is confoundedly inconvenient.

(1771 – 1845) English writer & Anglican clergyman
Money Poverty

At the funeral, everyone said, 'What a shame, he died penniless;' I don't know — to me that sounds like perfect timing on a hell of a budget.

American comedian
Death Money Poverty

Unless the results are known in advance, funding agencies will reject the proposal.

Money Murphy’s Laws

Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Money People Situations

My problem lies in reconciling my gross habits with my net income.

(1909 – 1959) Australian-born American actor
Money

Medical insurance is what allows people to be ill at ease!

fictional mascot and cover boy of Mad, an American humor magazine
Health Money

My mother always said don't marry for money, divorce for money.

(1961 – ) American stand-up comedian
Divorce Marriage Money

I think clever people think that poor people are stupid.

(1963 – ) Canadian writer, actor & stand-up comedian
Intelligence Money Poverty Stupidity

Dentist: A prestidigitator who, putting metal into your mouth, pulls coins out of your pocket.

(1842 – 1914) author & satirist
Communication Definitions Language Money

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

(1903 – 2003) English-born American comedian & actor
Government Money Places

Jack was so cheap that instead of bringing his date flowers, he brought her seeds.

(1896 – 1996) comedian, actor & entertainer
Frugal Money

By the time you get to the point where you can make ends meet, somebody moves the ends.

Money Murphy’s Laws Time

Money can't buy happiness, but it can make you awfully comfortable while you're being miserable.

(1903 – 1987 diplomat, playwright, journalist & politician
Emotions Happiness Money

The Yankees don’t pay me to win every day, just two out of three.

(1890 – 1975) American baseball manager
Baseball Money Sports

I made a killing on Wall Street a few years ago…I shot my broker.

(1890 – 1977) comedian, actor & television host
Conflict Killing Money

Utility is when you have one telephone, luxury is when you have two, opulence is when you have three – and paradise is when you have none.

(1926 – ) newspaper columnist
Life Money Situations

Why is it, “A penny for your thoughts,” but, “You have to put your two cents in?” … somebody’s making a penny.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Communication Language Money

We were so poor; the ultimate luxury in our house at the time was ashtrays without advertisements.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Money Poverty