Subject: People (Page 108)

The only thing a lawyer won’t question is the legitimacy of his mother.

(1880 – 1946) comedian, actor, juggler & writer
Family Government Law Lawyers Mothers People

You might be a redneck if… you have used a bar stool as a walker.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Health People

When man and woman die, as poets sung, his heart's the last part moves, her last, the tongue.

(1706 – 1790) American statesman, author, scientist & inventor
Men People Women

A woman scorned is a woman who quickly learns her way around a courtroom.

(1950 – ) Australian actress
People Women

I’m like an iPhone, it’s going to be worse versions of this every year, plus I get super hot in the middle of the afternoon for no reason.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Self

If all the rich people in the world divided up their money among themselves, there wouldn't be enough to go around.

(1902 – 1983) Australian novelist & short-story writer
Money People Wealth

No one really listens to anyone else, and if you try it for a while you'll see why.

(1913 – 1983) journalist & author
Communication People

If I were a grave-digger, or even a hangman, there are some people I could work for with a great deal of enjoyment.

(1803 – 1857) English writer
Death Insults Occupations People Work

The minute a man reaches thirty thousand feet, he immediately becomes consumed by distasteful sexual fantasies which involve doing uncomfortable things in those tiny toilets.

American playwright, television writer & author
Men People Sex Situations

I have a friend who is a juggler. If I'm at his house, I don't like to take food from him, if it's in threes.

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Activities People

You might be a redneck if… your high school basketball game got rained out.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Basketball People Rednecks Sports

If I like it, I say it's mine; if don’t I say it's a fake.

(1881 – 1973) Spanish painter, sculptor, printmaker & stage designer
Art Entertainment People Self

You might be a redneck if… the FBI surrounded your trailer park twice so far this year.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
People Rednecks

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

Duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself.

(1854 – 1900) Irish dramatist, novelist & poet
Characteristics People

I'm not a competitive person… I'll be the first to admit it.

Canadian stand-up comedian, actor & writer
People Self

My psychiatrist once said to me, “Maybe life isn't for everyone.”

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Life Self

The worst-tempered people I’ve ever met were the people who knew they were wrong.

(1876 – 1933) screenwriter
People

I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me, because she calls me her sixty-second lover.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Girlfriends People Sex

Perfection is what American women expect to find in their husbands… but English women only hope to find in their butlers.

(1874 – 1965) English dramatist & novelist
America Characteristics England Husbands Women

My neighbor complains every time my girlfriend and I have sex; we’re not even that loud, but he used to date my girlfriend.

(1978 – ) American writer & stand-up comedian
Girlfriends People Situations