Subject: People (Page 92)

When I dance, people think I’m looking for my keys.

(1957 – ) American stand-up comedian, actor & screenwriter
Dance Entertainment Self

How do you know if it's time to wash the dishes and clean your house?… look inside your pants and if you find a penis in there, it's not time.

(1957 – ) British stand-up comedian
Housework Men People Situations

There are three kinds of people… those who can count & those who can't.

People

Body odor is nature’s alarm clock and a lot of people from my home town are hitting the snooze alarm.

American comedian
Appearance Body People

I’ve got a friend whose nickname is “Shagger” … you might think that’s pretty cool; she doesn’t like it.

(1972 – ) Anglo-Irish comedian, writer & actor
Friends People

Americans are benevolently ignorant about Canada, while Canadians are malevolently well informed about the United States.

(1895-1957) Canadian historian
America Canada People Places

The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.

(1937 – 2008) stand-up comedian, social critic, actor & author
Intelligence Life People

America is a land where men govern, but women rule.

(1900 – 1969) American drama critic & author
America Men People Places Women

A communist is one who has nothing and wishes to share it with the world.

Government People

We still… cannot catch Osama bin Laden, but we nailed Martha Stewart's ass to the wall.

(1964 – ) American comedian & actor
Failure Government Law People

Working with Julie Andrews is like being hit over the head with a Valentine's Day card.

(1929 – ) Canadian theatrer, film & television actor
People

The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!

Intelligence Mind People Self

You might be a redneck if… you think a turtleneck is a key ingredient for soup.

(1958 – ) stand-up comedian & television personality
Food/Drink People Rednecks

I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
Girlfriends People

Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.


Murphy’s Laws People

If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat.

Samuel Clemens (1835 – 1910) author & humorist
Animals Cats People

A statesman is any politician it’s considered safe to name a school after.

(1915 – 1977) columnist, writer & actor
Education Government People School

Most Texans think Hanukkah is some sort of duck call.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
People Situations

You have to know a man awfully well in Canada to know his surname.

(1875 – 1940) Scottish novelist, historian & Governor General of Canada
Canada People Places

Errol Flynn died on a 70-foot boat with a 17-year-old girl; Walter has always wanted to go that way, but he's going to settle for a 17-footer with a 70-year-old.

(1916– 2005) American wife of Walter Cronkite
Death People Things

I read recently that women still make 30% less than men in the workplace, which I think is fine, cause if we didn’t make 30% more, you guys would marry each other.

(1978 – ) American comedian & writer
Marriage Money People Women