Subject: People » Self (Page 5)

My shrink told me that my happiness was stress related.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Emotions Happiness Self

I play sports…no I don’t… what the f**k?

(1968 – 2005) American stand-up comedian
Self Sports

People always ask me, 'Were you funny as a child?' Well, no, I was an accountant.

(1958 – ) comedian, actress & television host
Emotions People Self

He fell in love with himself at first sight and it is a passion to which he has always remained faithful.

(1905 – 2000) English writer
People Self

I have a lot of stories about being a kid because it was the last time I was interesting.

(1982 – ) American comedian, actor, writer & producer
People Self

If there is reincarnation and I come back as myself, I’ll kill myself.

(1947 – ) comedian & actor
Self

I still believe that at any time the no-talent police will come and arrest me.

(1963 – ) Canadian comedian, actor, screenwriter & film producer
People Self

I’ve had so much plastic surgery, when I die they will donate my body to Tupperware.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Appearance Body Self

Hey, I don’t get respect from anyone… why, American Airlines thanked me for flying United.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Insults People Self

What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Animals Dogs People Self

For weeks I’ve been telling him not to buy anything for my birthday, and he still forgot to bring me something.

People Self

Sometimes I think [my writing] sounds like I walked out of the room and left the typewriter running.

(1890 – 1960) journalist, author & dramatist
Communication Reading/Writing Self

I’m no cook; when I want lemon on chicken, I spray it with Pledge.

(1935 – 2014) American comedian, television personality, writer & director
Cooking Food/Drink Self

If you try hard enough you can always manage to boot yourself in the posterior.

Murphy’s Laws Self

Everything you see, I owe to spaghetti.

(1934 – ) Italian actress
Appearance Body Food/Drink Self

I suffer fools gladly because I am one of them.

(1921 – 2001) Welsh comedian & singer
Fools Intelligence People Self

My father was a simple man; my mother was a simple woman; you see the result standing in front of you, a simpleton.

(1919 – 1985) Scottish comedian & actor
Family Fathers Fools Intelligence Mothers People Self

You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step… I’m like that all the time.

(1955 – ) comedian, actor & writer
People Self Situations

I always thought I'd go to the Oscars, but only as a stalker.

(1953 – ) comedian, dancer & writer
Entertainment Film People Self

I have given up reading books; I find it takes my mind off myself.

(1906 – 1972) pianist, composer, author, comedian & actor
Books Communication People Reading/Writing Self

My mother had morning sickness after I was born.

(1921 – 2004) stand-up comedian & actor
Family Mothers Self